I don't know why

but my gmail thought this was the most appropriate link to give me while I was checking my email.

http://ask.yahoo.com/20060130.html

I hope you have all learned a valuable lesson.

Things I've learned...

Not related to school (per se).

In the last few months, I have learned a lot by moving away from what I'd known for so long to be home. The most important of which is...wait, I don't want to rank them.

First, I have learned, or more accurately come to more fully realize the extend to which, I am a know it all. I can justify it by saying that I only tell everyone what I know because I want everyone else to have equal access to the information. Sometimes I am wrong too. Still it doesn't really matter when what everyone else hears is me trying to be smarter/better then them or even worse when they think I am a kiss ass because of it.

Second, I am constantly afraid of being judged and not liked. This semester we had to pick partners for our major project in Lawyering Skills class. I was afraid that no one would want to work with me because nobody likes me. This is silly and irrational, but so am I some times. I have always held the hidden fear that people simply tolerate me because I hang around and sometimes have helpful things to say but if they had their druthers they wouldn't really hang out with me. However, I also realize that this isn't true because I have great friends from all parts of my life that insist on trying to keep in touch with me despite the fact that I never write them email or call them back.

Third, I work really hard and earn the praise and grades that I get so I shouldn't be ashamed of them. I just informed two of my classmates that I am at school studying for about 12 hours a day on average (literally I told them about five minutes ago) and I got looks of "are you crazy." But, this is my work ethos. I don't have nearly enough fun here, but I know when I leave I will have taken something away from this experience that is that much more ingrained. Fun is for later or earlier in actuality. So, when I get recognition for making those efforts I shouldn't be ashamed of the public nature of it. Even if it feeds into the first to problems that I have noticed about myself.

Finally, I can find a way to adjust and meet new people if I am forced. I still need to do a lot of work to get to the point where I am truly open to people and not guarded so high when I first meet them. But, I can, when in the situation where it is required of me, talk to people, make them laugh, find out valuable pieces of information so as to blackmail them, umm wait, scratch that last part...Anyway, the point is, I am not a socially inept as I think I am. I just have some things to tone down and other things to get over. But, who doesn't have things to get over.

School will kill me

So, last semester it took a few weeks to begin to feel the overwhelmingness of school. This week it took a total of one class. And, it was the second semester of a class I had last semester. That, I would add, it not a good sign. I realized that I did nothing over break that will help me. I realized that I was not in school mode yet and therefore did a craptastic job of my reading assignment. I realized that the courses I am taking should all be my favorites becasue they all feed into the areas of the law that interest me the most. And I realized that I need to find a job for the summer. All of this is, well, overwhelming.

I either need to find a paying job for the summer or go to school and take out extra loans or move back in with my parents. Ummm, yeah, that's not bleak. Plus I have a lot of paper-(which I just tried to spell payper...what does that say) work to get done to get the rest of my life in order.

I don't know if I can live with my parents for three months, but they are great people who will probably leave me alone. So, it's not the worst possible solution. It just feels weird to be contemplating moving back in for the summer since I haven't done that in about 7 years. Part of me considers that a form of failure. Which the rest of me realizes is a stupid way of looking at it because it is part of the whole "school" thing.

So, I need to figure out a lot of things, most of which involve figuring out what I want to be when I grow up which I haven't been able to do this far in life. This makes me sad. Especially since I sometimes think I want to be a dancer (or something equally rediculous but we're using it for illustrative purposes). This is ridiculous because I do not have the drive, stamina, or, of slightly more importance, skill to do anything in the dance world. It would be a hilarious TV show on MTV, but not a good real world solution to my dilema. sigh...

Oh, and the constitutional law book is rediculously heavy. I need back support.

Consistent blah

I don't know what it is about the city of Vegas, but it is consistently the most overrated place that I look forward to going to. I always think that it's going to be great, and it is often not bad but not great. I guess it's that I don't gamble so that's not that exciting, I don't really like buffets which is the only place you can eat half of the day, and I can't drink enough to justify spending $10 for a drink (it's easier when you're too drunk to care how much you're spending). And I'm almost always broke, so it's not the greatest time.

However, in the summer it is warm and the pool is free (once you've paid for the room). Also, when you go to bars and there are bands for free it's cool. Hanging out with friends in a different setting can be fun, too. If the shows weren't so expensive they'd be entertaining, I assume.

Getting drugged in a bar when someone slips something into your drink is not fun.

Spotting the hooker can be entertaining, but sometimes too easy (ha ha, it's like a pun but not).

Thus it is a consistent blah to go to Vegas. Perhaps I need more to drink next time.

That summarizes my New Years weekend with out the play by play for the vomitting (ahh, there's an image).

TV's Craig Ferguson is hilarious. He should be on earlier because soon I will have to be in bed when he is on because classes start back up in a few days (just over a week). I don't know how I'll do, but I don't even know how I did last semester so I will not worry until May when I take finals again. Or, if needs be, in February when I get my grades back.

It will also be a test of if I can get everything done and keep up with this blog. Not that I've told anyone about it to disappoint them...

I must sleep so that I might awake and accomplish something. Stupid stuff needing to be done.

Post Xmas Post

Sometimes I think I'm clever. Usually it turns out I'm only clever in my head and it just doesn't resinate the same way on paper or out loud. Then I ask if that was my outside voice and turn red. Finally, I accept that I am not clever and repeat the process more quickly then I care to admit.

I also know that I am always disappointed by the holidays. It is not because I didn't get anything I wanted (I am an admitted spoiled brat) but because I feel like I could have done better. For instance, I bought cards to send to people before I needed to pack and leave and stuff and instead I farted around and watched daytime TV. Neither did wonders for my brain nor did they help me get the cards done on time. Nor did ordering online a week in adavance allow me to get stuff shipped in time to my parents house. Although it was only amazon that seemed to have that problem. I am angry with them so I will stop now. Basically, the disappointment is with myself and not being better at the whole holiday thing. It is one of my favorite times of the year because I get to go out and buy stuff for other people, but I never have enough time or great ideas or enough money to make sure that everyone gets great stuff. I know that's not the point, but I just get sad when it still doens't work out. Perhaps that's the fun of it, thrill of the chase and all that.

Next is New Years, which is very weird for me this year. New Years has always been the holiday about friends and partying. For the last six (or maybe more) years, I have always chosesn to spend that night with my friends. This year, however, I can only call my friends when they are at the hieghten frenzy of celebration. It is sad and it is the the most final of all the feelings that I've had since I left to go to school. I always joked that it was the end of an era and now it really does feel like it. This years plans are still in flux (although that's not my fault) and I am not sure that I'll even be at a party. It makes me sad because that party with my friends has always meant a lot (even if I don't really cut loose until after midnight and have to help clean for five hours the next day). I will truly miss that this year and I don't think that will go away for a while because I see nothing to change it for this year.

This is why the end of the holidays disappoints me. Hopefully, I can find something to be cheerful about next time. Or perhaps a rant because those are much funnier.

Also, movies are great, movie theatres are kept too cold.

Christmas time

I have to say that Christmas time is my favorite time of year. However, the TV makes it hard to love the holidays. Except for the insistance on play the Peanuts Holiday movies, which is awesome, the TV keeps trying to sell diamonds, razors, and cars. I don't particularly like diamonds and the TV tries to make me feel like a weirdo for not wanting them. I don't feel like a weirdo (other than the fact that I am weird in many ways which is fine because as the family motto says, normal is boring) and I don't like my TV trying to make me feel that way. It's like being bretrayed by my friend. Stupid TV.

However, I can't be too mad at it. It brings me football and trashy daytime shows that make me feel better about my life and my friends. And it's taught me that being rich prevents you from dating or hooking up with new people. When you're rich, apparently, you can only date the exes of people that you know, especially if you're in the middle age category, then you date someone's dad and then sleep with the son who is in a rough patch with his naive wife who knows there is a hole in heart but can't see past that to know that her husband doesn't love her anymore, but does love his ex-step-mother who is dating his business rival. That and you have to dress up to go to dinner everynight and that's just too much pressure. The crazy house staff would be fun to have around, though.

That's what TV has taught me. Shopping has taught me that there is a bunch of crap for sale and if you look while desperate enough, you can find a gift for anyone. Oh, and obnoxious christmas music is worse for sales clerks because no matter how much it just blends into the background there is always one song on the hour long mix that inserts itself in to the conscious brain and makes them aware of what it going on. They can't just leave or put earphones in either.

A final note, and a comment on my sanity, is this: pipe cleaners offer hours of fun and frustration for the psuedo-crafty. It's like Martha Stewart in the trailer with nothing really looking right. So, next year, the pipe cleaner ornaments may or may not make it back (it's a durability thing) but they may be the theme of the gifts I give next year. Perhaps a diamond made from pipecleaners and a car made of pipecleaners. The razor pipecleaner would be just too darn hard to make or convience anyone with. Besides beards are all the rage right now...

What now

So, without the finals to study for, I find myself not doing anything that I've told myself I need to do. Mostly, clean my apartment and buy the christmas presents taht I need to get. But, hey, my family will be happy with must the gift of my presence right. Oh wait, that's not right. Well it is, but it's not nearly as fun.

The biggest problem is that I am trying to do most of my shopping online. This means that I am using the internet. This means that I can surf around and do things other than shop or write people e-mail. Everything is so dang distracting. That and my brain is doing all sorts of things like forgetting what I'm doing while I'm doing it and wondering what I should do next.

That and I forget to go to sleep and my couch isn't that comfy.

Really, I did have a point, but I forgot it. Probably because I'm on the internet pretending to do about four different things.

Maybe next time.

Oooh, shiny object

Okay, so I have now completed two out of the three finals. I don't know how that makes me feel, which says that I cannot think anymore. This is problematic because when you say two out of three, that implies a third. If I can't think, how can I take a third final. Even if it's multiple choice that doesn't mean I don't need to think. Which I need to do, but I can't. If I can't think then I can't make the educated guess because I cannot eliminate options. This speaks to the falisy that multiple choice tests are easier. Often, the people writing the test have both a process they expect you to follow to get the answer that they came up with. So, you have to decided what the issue is, what you can easily discern about the answers that cannot be right and then you have to determine of the two answers that you think might be right which made a common application error of the rule/logic that's being tested. That isn't easy. Especially when you have to do it for complicated fact scenarios and rules you're not sure you understand to begin with.

Given all that, I now am so distractable that I have taken to watching golf, off-road racing and analizing commercials. Which leads me to this comment:
There are a few bail bondsmen shops in San Diego (it is the county seat and a bigger city so it's understandable) but three of them advertise on TV. One shop has ads featuring "regular people" who had friends/relatives surprisingly jailed and in need of bonds. In one of the ads, the woman says, They walked me through the rights my son has...blah, blah, the right to bail. Which is not true. Read the damn bill of rights.
The next shop features an 70 year old bondsman claiming that if I'm in trouble and need bail it's better to know him then not. I am confused by the message, and then I am confused by the fact that it appears he is wearing a Burger King crown as a way to help remember him and his name (which has a King in it somewhere, but that's all I know).
Finally, the last shop has ads that feature the family that owns it (I presume because you don't hire people to be that bad at speaking). It is fairly clear to me that english isn't necessarily the first language. The air of the company and commercial make it seem like they're from Hawaii, but the last I checked, Hawaii's primary language is English. Regardless, the main problem I have with the commercial is that the main bondsman is a woman who maybe is attractive (I am not a good judge of these things) who both looks and speaks as though she is completely stoned. That's who I want in charge of my freedom, a stoned woman who seems confused by the words coming out of her own mouth, let alone someone who had multiple takes to determine what she was saying.

Then I realized it is just easier to avoid being arrested and needing bail then to deal with ads.

Fortunately, an ad featuring a singing, golfing banana came on and then the golf came back. Plus I stopped reading the materials for my test and found the internet to complain about these commercials.

But then I realized that I really do need to study so that I don't need to drop out and get stuck in a criminal career where I become reliant on bondsmen in anyway.

What scares me more is that next semester there are four finals.

One down

I just took my first law school final exam. It was hard, and it was long. Now I have this information in my head that part of my brain wants to throw away, but the other part tells me I will need in the future (if I want to take the bar and pass it anyway).

Soon I will have time to write real email, and clean my apartment, and do holiday shopping, and live like a normal, not school attending adult like I play on TV. Oh wait, that's not TV, that's my imagination, the TV in my brain. This all, obviously, assuming that I survive the next five days and the time I spend in the library during them. Surviving Friday will be the key. Then the next step is surviving Monday. Step by step. Day by day. Ahhh, that reminds me of a horrible TV show that still gets air time and really it shouldn't. It's just not right.

Gah! now it's stuck in my head!

Okay, so my insight for the day is that it is much better to joke around right before a test then cramp for it. It's much more relaxing and that is better then stressing. That, and metal travel coffee mugs are stupid. Because the metal gets warm, it expands holding the lid more sealed so it drips less. Also it keeps the coffee hot longer. However, if it's too hot then you can't unscrew the lid to provide more air to the coffee so you don't get to drink it because it's too hot. This is a problem that could be solved with vents.

More problems should be as easily resolved. Or else I shouldn't be in law school and should be inventing coffee mugs instead. But where's the advanced degree program for that?

Must go learn...

My first blog

Well, it is no longer my official birthday, but since I haven't gone to bed yet it still counts.

I am getting older now, but not old. Even with the maturity that supposidly comes with age, I still want to feel like a five year old. However, this is the first year that I've spent most of the day without anyone around. I did buy myself some ice cream to celebrate (and I noticed that Ben and Jerry's has reduced the number of cookie dough chunks in thier pints (or at least on the top)).

The great part was the number of friends who remembered my birthday despite the fact that I am so bad about remembering theirs. The sad part was, there was no one to go out to celebrate with me anywhere near here. This is because I don't have the friendships here that I did in college or in DC. It just reminds me of what I miss the most, and then I hear a dumb song "Closing Time" and suddenly I am nostalgic for days past and starting a blog.

So, happy birthday to me and I'm glad I got the ice cream.