Not related to school (per se).
In the last few months, I have learned a lot by moving away from what I'd known for so long to be home. The most important of which is...wait, I don't want to rank them.
First, I have learned, or more accurately come to more fully realize the extend to which, I am a know it all. I can justify it by saying that I only tell everyone what I know because I want everyone else to have equal access to the information. Sometimes I am wrong too. Still it doesn't really matter when what everyone else hears is me trying to be smarter/better then them or even worse when they think I am a kiss ass because of it.
Second, I am constantly afraid of being judged and not liked. This semester we had to pick partners for our major project in Lawyering Skills class. I was afraid that no one would want to work with me because nobody likes me. This is silly and irrational, but so am I some times. I have always held the hidden fear that people simply tolerate me because I hang around and sometimes have helpful things to say but if they had their druthers they wouldn't really hang out with me. However, I also realize that this isn't true because I have great friends from all parts of my life that insist on trying to keep in touch with me despite the fact that I never write them email or call them back.
Third, I work really hard and earn the praise and grades that I get so I shouldn't be ashamed of them. I just informed two of my classmates that I am at school studying for about 12 hours a day on average (literally I told them about five minutes ago) and I got looks of "are you crazy." But, this is my work ethos. I don't have nearly enough fun here, but I know when I leave I will have taken something away from this experience that is that much more ingrained. Fun is for later or earlier in actuality. So, when I get recognition for making those efforts I shouldn't be ashamed of the public nature of it. Even if it feeds into the first to problems that I have noticed about myself.
Finally, I can find a way to adjust and meet new people if I am forced. I still need to do a lot of work to get to the point where I am truly open to people and not guarded so high when I first meet them. But, I can, when in the situation where it is required of me, talk to people, make them laugh, find out valuable pieces of information so as to blackmail them, umm wait, scratch that last part...Anyway, the point is, I am not a socially inept as I think I am. I just have some things to tone down and other things to get over. But, who doesn't have things to get over.
2 comments:
Erin, I love you. And making new friends is a pain in the ass. But then, after you make them, they're your friends -- so that makes it worth the effort. Deep, I know.
Plus, having lots of friends who are far away from you just means you have free places to stay all over the country. (Like Chicago. Did I mention Chicago?)
I love that you've started a blog! I will read it faithfully. You are very brave for leaving the nest and going off on your own. It takes guts to leave the comfort zone. We are proud of you! I remember the mental anguish of school and scary changes. It's not fun, but I know you'll grow and challenge yourself and learn about yourself. All good things that we try to avoid too much in life. Or maybe that's just me?
And I will read all about it so that I can benefit from your experience without any of the work. Yeah! Ha, ha, sucker! ;-)
I try not to use emoticons, but I think it's appropriate in this situation since I just called you a sucker. :-)
Love,
Sarah
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