Thursday, October 06, 2016

Sleeping on the razor's edge

The insomnia of the caretaker is very rarely something that I read about.  Then again, I don't read books or blogs or columns of the caretaker perspective.  I cannot take in the messages of those that have been or are going through this.  I am stuborn enough to think that my experience is a unique one and that everyone elses experiences are unique to them, so the empathy it would take to hear their message is too much work for me.  I also think that my ability to compartmentalize my emotions, which is not as great as it was six months ago, makes me different.  Sometimes to the point that I am concerned about myself.  But then I hear a dumb song on pop radio and I start crying because driving and crying is totally safe.  On the freeway.

But back to the not sleeping.  Even when the husband is sleeping soundly next to me, I don't quite know how to sleep soundly less I fail to hear him when he wakes or if he calls out for me.  So, I stay up when he is up and I cannot sleep when he sleeps.  Nevermind work and being on time and understanding that the root of insanity is continuing to not sleep.  Also not great for the safe driving award I was hoping for.  I do work for an understand boss that ignores the fact that I am constantly late.  And sometimes I take a sick day because I slept through all of the things that a normal person would wake to and it is now pm on a work day.

And I fluctuate between hope that he will get some good, solid sleep and fear that he will stop breathing when I am not paying attention.  And I don't know when I sleep well ever again.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Still awake, watching soccer

I have spent a lot of my life, particularly of late, watching, playing, and loving soccer.  But, the older I get the more I notice the disparate coverage of women and men soccer.  In watching the highlights show that they put together every day, I feel like I get about 15 minutes of highlights (much of which includes fans and dancing after goals) and 35 minutes of "why you should like the women who play soccer".  When I watched the men's world cup (which is actually just called the world cup...), the highlights show was actual highlights, analysis of the style of play, and consideration of the soccer implications of players and plays.  I find it is very frustrating because it is highly reflective of the reason why women's soccer does not get the support around the world; women aren't athletes they are something less than athletic.  We have to tell the stories of how they are mothers or interview them about their tattoos instead of their soccer careers.  There is no equivalence in the sports coverage.  And that completely ignores the fact that most of the world fails to invest in their women's programs and then are surprised when they fail.

Just grrr.

Thursday, June 04, 2015

Well that de-escalated quickly

So, I was looking at my draft folder in my email, and the last draft is simply the phrase "Body in the Woods" as the body of the email.  No subject, no further information, just "body in the woods".  I have no recollection of why I wrote that phrase down.  Maybe I saw something I shouldn't have and left a cryptic clue for anyone who finds me murdered.  Maybe it was a book recommendation.  Whatever.  It's just something I found out while trying to find something to make me tired enough to sleep on the internet (which there is nothing on the internet that can make me that sleepy).

Through this bad case of insomnia, brought to me by a particularly bad day at work (not because of work but because of results of work), I have scrolled through the internet and realized that I have really cut myself off from the best forms of stress release I used in the past.  I don't write, I don't exercise often, I don't do things.  I think about things.  I worry about the results of not doing things.  I contemplate making plans to go about doing things.  But, I don't do them.  I feel accomplishment when I manage to complete the laundry or mow the lawn.  But that isn't a thing.  I don't hold myself accountable for it, and that's the most disappointing part.

At some point in my life I decided that it was okay to be passive about my life.  The worst part for me right now is that I don't know that I want to change it enough to put the effort in to do something about it.  I throw off thousands of (useless) excuses ... I'm tired, I'll get to it, I don't have my own space to do it in, It's hard ... but I don't change the patterns and ruts that I drive through every day.  I have goals.  I really do.  I just don't plan on meeting those goals.  And that, in my estimation of my own self, is pathetic.

And the worst of all of this is that I know it is rooted in fear of failing to accomplish it.  So, I fail by never starting as though that is somehow better then failing after effort.  And I cannot find it within myself to be accountable to myself and the version of me that has plans.

Reflecting on the tone of every other post that I have added to this space, one might come to the likely conclusion that I am depressed and unhappy with my life. I am not.  But, I use this space as a normal person would their journal.  Which might actually be fairly narcissistic in that I feel compelled to keep the world aware of the issues that I have instead of keeping it in a place that is for me and me alone to reflect on.  Or is that the opposite of narcissism?  Nope, definitely narcissism.  But, perhaps by putting it out their on the interwebs for the random people of the world (mostly from Eastern Europe, if you believe the google tracking information) there is a hope that I will use this opportunity to have the grand revelation that I can choose to held myself accountable to my own expectations of myself.  Which is not revelatory at all in that I know that already.  It just hasn't been enough of late. 

And asking someone else to be the one that holds me to my potential is asking someone to become my nemesis.  The one I have to challenge, ignore, defy and resent.  You know, a parent to my teenage tantrum of a self-motivator.  Which will only end with a broken relationship of "why do you make me do stuff" "because you asked me to" "but you do it even when I don't want you to" "but that's when you asked me to do it" resentment and annoyance.

But, the good news is, writing this post was enough to cure my insomnia.  So, I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Finding the spark

So, I have a new goal.  That is to write something, anything, everyday for the rest of the month.  This includes writing here, writing a cover letter, writing a story, or writing something scholarly.  I have found myself in a bit of a funk lately, and its making me a master of procrastinating on the internet, but I'm not really getting anything done.  This is especially difficult given that I'm looking for a new job and don't feel like I have the skills for anything I want to do.  As much as I adored law school, I think I made the wrong choice and should have sought a masters in public policy.  Those jobs always seem far more interesting or productive, and each one seems truly different, but require the same set of skills.  Basically, I don't feel qualified to anything I want to and I don't want to do anything I'm qualified for.  More disturbing to me is that there are jobs out there that I think I want, but when they look at my resume, they are likely to say "wow, she wouldn't want this job, she's been a lawyer."  But, the thing is, I don't think that I want to be a lawyer, that's why I'm applying for the event planning job....  On top of all of this anxiety there is the financial concern I have for us.  We've already moved in with my parents (which cost us too much to do), cut his family off our cell phone bill, and eliminated a lot of expenses.  So, we've greatly reduced our bills, but have zero income.  It sucks and it causes me to not sleep at night, which makes the procrastination and fear that much worse.

So, in hopes of finding something productive, I think I need to write stuff down.  This blog has been dead for over three years, so I figure no one will read it but it will give me a way to get stuff out there that interests me or that sparked for me.  That way I'll remember that there is something that sparked for me at some point and that will be a good sign.  Sometimes all I need is a good sign.  Even if it is a generic horoscope that has a positive moment.

Most of all, I miss my books.  They are unhappy in storage.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The never ending to do list

I write to do lists because I am not organized enough to remember things (including names, dates, and places). I also write them because I enjoy crossing things off them. Personally, I'm surprised that I don't write "write to do list" on my to do list just so I can cross if off when I'm done. I do however write things on them so that I can immediately cross them off because they would have been on the list if I'd written the list before I did the task -- which I recognize is not necessarily rational but it helps me sleep at night.

The point of this is that my to do lists of late have been a lot of wedding planning stuff and cleaning. There is also a lot of "buy stuff for other people" on the list because everyone is born in the spring and summer plus everyone gets married then too. Stupid people... However, now I need to buy stuff for me too and I've run out of energy, funding, and the little bit of desire I've ever had to buy stuff for me besides nerdy things like books. I don't even want to go shoe shopping, which marks a sad moment for me as that is the only apparel item I've ever enjoyed purchasing. Unfortunately, I do need to go buy stuff, which adds to my to do list.

But the purpose of this rant is to explain that most of my major tasks for the wedding are completed. Almost all the vendors are at least hired, except the baker. That's the boys purview and he has FAILED to get this off his list. We are not cake eaters (he's at least a frosting eater, but even that leaves me less than enthused), so we have enlisted his sister and mother to come and help us pick the baker/cake. They are coming this weekend for that express purpose. HE STILL HASN'T SET UP APPOINTMENTS!!!! He's known for weeks and every day I NAG him which makes me feel like an ASS. I give him weekly to do lists and that's been on there since we've known when they're coming. Why is this so f-ing hard???? You get to cross it off your list when you've made the appointments. I even offered to just go ahead and make these calls myself just to get it done.

The worst part about all of this is that a couple of months ago we talked about how I'm not good at delegating or at least sharing tasks. I think that this only reinforces my feelings about why it is I don't and will only lead to more stress for me. I have been trying to share the burden (see the weekly to do list for him), but all that leads to is me nagging him to accomplish what I need for him to get done sooner because he procrastinates more than I do.


There was about five more paragraphs that I'd typed but because I logged out of gmail got logged out of blogger and the paragraphs got deleted. So, those will be retyped later. I should do some work at work now.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Go Connecticut!

Outside the world of basketball, Connecticut is awesome for other reasons, too.

Monday, April 13, 2009

There used to be more to me then planning a wedding and going to work

So, this weekend was spent doing my taxes, working, hanging out with the boy's family (that's a whole post of ranting I'd rather not be a part of), and talking about the wedding with said family. I know that there was a time when I had interesting things to say about the state of the world, politics, sports, neighborhood bars, etc., but now I've become a sad sack of boring, limited to only one or two topics, neither of which are truly interesting to me. I apologize for that and will work on becoming more dynamic again, but only after I sign a contract with a florist and design my invitations...

On a work related note, I went out to "happy hour" on Thursday with a team of lawyers who have been spending an obscene number of hours on one case together. There were four men and two women, and that's when it hit me hard just how much of a boys club I'm hanging out it. I actually left the table at one point because of the way they were "flirting" with the waitress. It's was very uncomfortable for me, especially given that the primary instigator was not only the oldest member of our group, he is also my "mentor" and has two young kids at home. It was only made worse by the fact that the waitress did not get it. She was so oblivious to the lies and teasing and it made me sad for her.

Also, it was brought to my attention that 1) I am not cool and 2) my tolerance needs work if I am to be a successful networker. I was more directly shown 1 then 2 in that I don't go to any of the places that the other had ALL been to. This is a) because I don't travel out of my comfort zone as often as I could; b) because I don't believe in going to clubs and paying obscene amounts of money for sh*tty drinks; and c) because I don't believe that I should put on clothes that cost as much as my work clothes to go out. I wear jeans and flip-flops and go to places where the people are fun to watch and the servers know how to spot both a line and a way to mock the line giver. Call me what you will, I just like the snappy come-back of a girl who is clearly being hit on by skeevy old men. It brings me my bliss, and that should be enough.

Never mind that I didn't get home until after 1:00 am on a work night, can't recover from 6 glasses of wine like I used to, and had to be functional the next day. That did not make for a pleasant Friday. I am really glad that the boy is understanding and willing to drive up to where we were, leave his car about 20 minutes drive from our house and drive my sorry butt and my car back home so that I could get to work with my stuff the next day. He is very good to me. Also, he is willing to listen to drunken ranting and answer the same question 100 times in a 30 minute drive.

By the way, this blogging thing has been added to the mental list of things I shouldn't do, but do anyway, while at work. Facebook is on that list too...

Assess is not the same word as asses, no matter how fast you read it.