So, I was looking at my draft folder in my email, and the last draft is simply the phrase "Body in the Woods" as the body of the email. No subject, no further information, just "body in the woods". I have no recollection of why I wrote that phrase down. Maybe I saw something I shouldn't have and left a cryptic clue for anyone who finds me murdered. Maybe it was a book recommendation. Whatever. It's just something I found out while trying to find something to make me tired enough to sleep on the internet (which there is nothing on the internet that can make me that sleepy).
Through this bad case of insomnia, brought to me by a particularly bad day at work (not because of work but because of results of work), I have scrolled through the internet and realized that I have really cut myself off from the best forms of stress release I used in the past. I don't write, I don't exercise often, I don't do things. I think about things. I worry about the results of not doing things. I contemplate making plans to go about doing things. But, I don't do them. I feel accomplishment when I manage to complete the laundry or mow the lawn. But that isn't a thing. I don't hold myself accountable for it, and that's the most disappointing part.
At some point in my life I decided that it was okay to be passive about my life. The worst part for me right now is that I don't know that I want to change it enough to put the effort in to do something about it. I throw off thousands of (useless) excuses ... I'm tired, I'll get to it, I don't have my own space to do it in, It's hard ... but I don't change the patterns and ruts that I drive through every day. I have goals. I really do. I just don't plan on meeting those goals. And that, in my estimation of my own self, is pathetic.
And the worst of all of this is that I know it is rooted in fear of failing to accomplish it. So, I fail by never starting as though that is somehow better then failing after effort. And I cannot find it within myself to be accountable to myself and the version of me that has plans.
Reflecting on the tone of every other post that I have added to this space, one might come to the likely conclusion that I am depressed and unhappy with my life. I am not. But, I use this space as a normal person would their journal. Which might actually be fairly narcissistic in that I feel compelled to keep the world aware of the issues that I have instead of keeping it in a place that is for me and me alone to reflect on. Or is that the opposite of narcissism? Nope, definitely narcissism. But, perhaps by putting it out their on the interwebs for the random people of the world (mostly from Eastern Europe, if you believe the google tracking information) there is a hope that I will use this opportunity to have the grand revelation that I can choose to held myself accountable to my own expectations of myself. Which is not revelatory at all in that I know that already. It just hasn't been enough of late.
And asking someone else to be the one that holds me to my potential is asking someone to become my nemesis. The one I have to challenge, ignore, defy and resent. You know, a parent to my teenage tantrum of a self-motivator. Which will only end with a broken relationship of "why do you make me do stuff" "because you asked me to" "but you do it even when I don't want you to" "but that's when you asked me to do it" resentment and annoyance.
But, the good news is, writing this post was enough to cure my insomnia. So, I've got that going for me, which is nice.
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