The insomnia of the caretaker is very rarely something that I read about. Then again, I don't read books or blogs or columns of the caretaker perspective. I cannot take in the messages of those that have been or are going through this. I am stuborn enough to think that my experience is a unique one and that everyone elses experiences are unique to them, so the empathy it would take to hear their message is too much work for me. I also think that my ability to compartmentalize my emotions, which is not as great as it was six months ago, makes me different. Sometimes to the point that I am concerned about myself. But then I hear a dumb song on pop radio and I start crying because driving and crying is totally safe. On the freeway.
But back to the not sleeping. Even when the husband is sleeping soundly next to me, I don't quite know how to sleep soundly less I fail to hear him when he wakes or if he calls out for me. So, I stay up when he is up and I cannot sleep when he sleeps. Nevermind work and being on time and understanding that the root of insanity is continuing to not sleep. Also not great for the safe driving award I was hoping for. I do work for an understand boss that ignores the fact that I am constantly late. And sometimes I take a sick day because I slept through all of the things that a normal person would wake to and it is now pm on a work day.
And I fluctuate between hope that he will get some good, solid sleep and fear that he will stop breathing when I am not paying attention. And I don't know when I sleep well ever again.
