So, four finals in 8 days. None of them seemed like I particularly did great. I realized I left out a major issue on one, but five days later. Not the best feeling in the world. I don't think that I flunked anything, but I really don't know if I did great on anything either. I really wanted to do well on one or two, just so I felt good about this semester, but I didn't and that annoys me.
Now, I am driving home so that I can get the car's license renewed. In honor of that I had Dusty washed. She was dirty within hours. All I did was park her in her assigned space under the roof. So, of course she got dirty. I have to drive her home because I have to get an air quality test done, and that means the car needs to be there. Since I don't get to take any vacation during the 10 weeks I'm working this summer, I need to do it in the week long break I get. Fortunately, the boy is coming with me and will probably do most the driving. I love driving, but I don't get to look around when I do it. Hopefully, I will have a chance to take some photos along the way and enjoy the drive in at least one direction.
But, I do have to come back before my sister and her husband flies in. I am excited that she's coming because it's the first time she's been able to come to SD since I moved here, and I get to see her when she's more visibly preggers. It is very exciting to me.
I am glad that school is done because I'm getting a little burnt out, but part of me feels like I could stay in school for a long time. We will see, because I got a ton of loans to repay now. Still, I don't know what I would want to focus on academically, so I need to figure all that out first. It's weird thinking about my future and being so unsure about what I want.
My toenails hurt because my cleats are too tights with my inserts.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
What I'm doing instead of studying or writing anyone back
Okay, so I'm gonna start with this question: do any of you out there in blogger land know how I want to be proposed to? Yesterday, as we were driving to soccer, the boy asked me if I had any friends that would know how I wanted to be proposed to. I answered no, because I don't think that I have a conception of the whole process. All I know is that I think (for goodness knows what archaic reason) that I want him to ask my dad first. I think he was really just testing the waters to see if all of my jokes about him marrying me lately were really a sign that the concept of marriage does not really send me into a minor panic attack any more. (It does, but a lot less and I can hide it better then I used to.)
So, today, while I'm sitting in the library with nothing but a week and a half until finals, I am surfing the internet to look at wedding venues. Now, don't get all a-twitter, I am not actually engaged, nor has a proposal been made, nor do I expect that I'll be near tying that knot soon, but for some reason it seemed like a relatively okay thing to do. I think it has something to do with the time of year and the increasing number of conversations that turn to the weddings that people need to attend/plan over the summer, but really, why would I google it? Oh, wait I know, because the wiki-how link for today was how to find a wedding dress which I clicked on because the whole process is one for which I have no real idea as to its inner-workings. So, the internet is why I will fail two of my four classes. I'm sure that I'll find a reason for the other two, but it will probably have more to do with the 15 shows that are on the DVR at home. (I don't have the fancy name-brand Tivo, but when it works the DVR is just fine.)
I am also listening to my music collection by artist and I realized that there are a lot of songs that make me cry (or at least tear up) no matter when or where I hear them. It's more of a problem when I'm sitting here looking at random things on the internet in the middle of a public library where other people tend to sneak up behind me and I'm near tears. But I have to say that Harry Chapin tells some of the most tragic simple stories that break my heart every time I hear them, so the tears in my eyes are reasonable. He had such a direct tap on the vein of human-ness that it's strikingly sad when he touches on the offhanded crap that life dishes out and we dish to ourselves that cut us to the quick. On the other hand, he also had an ability to explain love in a real and wonderful way that you hope that when you're old, you feel the way his songs express. If you haven't heard anything from him (which you have because he wrote "Cats in the Cradle"), and you like storytellers with simple music, I really suggest you look him up. Or maybe I can send you some tracks from his "Greatest Stories" album, which would help me procrastinate more.
I have also been really cranky with people lately. Since about spring break as a matter of fact. It just gets worse the more I have to deal with people on a regular basis. I just think that some people should be told to shut up more often because they should STOP TALKING for a little while so the rest of us can relax. They aren't helping anyone and aren't the only ones with ideas which are relevant. Also, learning to park your big fat SUV that cost more than my tuition (which is obscene, by the way) should be a requirement to get into USD, but it clearly isn't. That's why when I tapped your car when I pulled in I didn't leave a note (also the fact that I did no damage and the mark wiped off).
On a final note, after nearly two years of driving my fabulous contour around, I have named her. She shall be known as Dusty. This in not just because I never wash her (even when I do wash her she's dusty within hours). It also comes from her slightly alternative approach to looks and defrosting the front windshield. She's also reliable and fun to be in, so Dusty just seemed right...I'd share pictures, but well, that takes planning to have a camera with me, which I never do.
Okay, I really need to do SOMETHING before the end of my time in the library...I'm sure the internet will provide you with further entertainment elsewhere. I'll probably give you an update post finals, but you never know with me.
Nubbins is just plain fun to say.
So, today, while I'm sitting in the library with nothing but a week and a half until finals, I am surfing the internet to look at wedding venues. Now, don't get all a-twitter, I am not actually engaged, nor has a proposal been made, nor do I expect that I'll be near tying that knot soon, but for some reason it seemed like a relatively okay thing to do. I think it has something to do with the time of year and the increasing number of conversations that turn to the weddings that people need to attend/plan over the summer, but really, why would I google it? Oh, wait I know, because the wiki-how link for today was how to find a wedding dress which I clicked on because the whole process is one for which I have no real idea as to its inner-workings. So, the internet is why I will fail two of my four classes. I'm sure that I'll find a reason for the other two, but it will probably have more to do with the 15 shows that are on the DVR at home. (I don't have the fancy name-brand Tivo, but when it works the DVR is just fine.)
I am also listening to my music collection by artist and I realized that there are a lot of songs that make me cry (or at least tear up) no matter when or where I hear them. It's more of a problem when I'm sitting here looking at random things on the internet in the middle of a public library where other people tend to sneak up behind me and I'm near tears. But I have to say that Harry Chapin tells some of the most tragic simple stories that break my heart every time I hear them, so the tears in my eyes are reasonable. He had such a direct tap on the vein of human-ness that it's strikingly sad when he touches on the offhanded crap that life dishes out and we dish to ourselves that cut us to the quick. On the other hand, he also had an ability to explain love in a real and wonderful way that you hope that when you're old, you feel the way his songs express. If you haven't heard anything from him (which you have because he wrote "Cats in the Cradle"), and you like storytellers with simple music, I really suggest you look him up. Or maybe I can send you some tracks from his "Greatest Stories" album, which would help me procrastinate more.
I have also been really cranky with people lately. Since about spring break as a matter of fact. It just gets worse the more I have to deal with people on a regular basis. I just think that some people should be told to shut up more often because they should STOP TALKING for a little while so the rest of us can relax. They aren't helping anyone and aren't the only ones with ideas which are relevant. Also, learning to park your big fat SUV that cost more than my tuition (which is obscene, by the way) should be a requirement to get into USD, but it clearly isn't. That's why when I tapped your car when I pulled in I didn't leave a note (also the fact that I did no damage and the mark wiped off).
On a final note, after nearly two years of driving my fabulous contour around, I have named her. She shall be known as Dusty. This in not just because I never wash her (even when I do wash her she's dusty within hours). It also comes from her slightly alternative approach to looks and defrosting the front windshield. She's also reliable and fun to be in, so Dusty just seemed right...I'd share pictures, but well, that takes planning to have a camera with me, which I never do.
Okay, I really need to do SOMETHING before the end of my time in the library...I'm sure the internet will provide you with further entertainment elsewhere. I'll probably give you an update post finals, but you never know with me.
Nubbins is just plain fun to say.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Avoiding the real work
So, one of the bigger projects for the spring semester is over and done with, and the banquet was last night. It was a "moot court competition" which is a bunch of not yet lawyers write an appellate brief and then make oral arguments in a appellate court setting. It is strangely fun to do and I think that its work that I would enjoy doing when I am a real lawyer.
Now, I have the biggest paper due on Monday at 5pm, and I am not working on it because I am afraid and bored.
But, I'm alive.
That is all.
Now, I have the biggest paper due on Monday at 5pm, and I am not working on it because I am afraid and bored.
But, I'm alive.
That is all.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Groundhog's Day
So, in honor of this long overlooked holiday (and a day late) I thought that I would try to stick my head out of my hole to determine what the future is. Turns out I'm not psychic. Instead, I can only give you the recent past...
My parents met the boy's parents. I think it went well, but I don't see a bond like my parents have with my sister's husbands parents. Which is very much what I suspected, and I really think that I'm okay with that.
Seeing as the parents met, it would make sense that one set traveled near the the other, which is, in fact what happened. My parents came to Santa Monica where my dad was for a conference. It's about 20 minutes north of LA. So, while my dad was at the conference, the boy and I took my mom and spent the day at the Getty Museum . Wow. I got through four exhibits, of the about 30 that they have. Two were on photography in the US. I developed a deeper taste for this art and think there are some peoples stuff that I would like to see more of including: Mitch Epstein, Sheron Rupp, and Donald Blumberg (to name but a few). Additionally, they had an exhibit about art from Dresden, which lead me to discover a new artist that I would like to see more of: Gerhard Richter.
I also saw someone famous at the museum (I am fairly sure), but I didn't say anything to him because I was looking for Rembrandt and well, I'm sure that the actor was there for something other than adoration (or at least pointing and signature asking). He was a lot skinner in person than he looks on TV, and scruffier.
School is sucking my time down the drain and my grades last semester were not what I wanted them to be, but only in one class really. But it was the 4 credit class, so it weighs more heavily. Of course. I sort of knew it was coming, though, I was just hoping for better. This semester is a lot of work and I constantly feel about a step behind. The problem with that is that instead of catching up, I know I'm just going to slowly slip further behind. Stupid stuff to do...
And my fingers smell like garlic.
My parents met the boy's parents. I think it went well, but I don't see a bond like my parents have with my sister's husbands parents. Which is very much what I suspected, and I really think that I'm okay with that.
Seeing as the parents met, it would make sense that one set traveled near the the other, which is, in fact what happened. My parents came to Santa Monica where my dad was for a conference. It's about 20 minutes north of LA. So, while my dad was at the conference, the boy and I took my mom and spent the day at the Getty Museum . Wow. I got through four exhibits, of the about 30 that they have. Two were on photography in the US. I developed a deeper taste for this art and think there are some peoples stuff that I would like to see more of including: Mitch Epstein, Sheron Rupp, and Donald Blumberg (to name but a few). Additionally, they had an exhibit about art from Dresden, which lead me to discover a new artist that I would like to see more of: Gerhard Richter.
I also saw someone famous at the museum (I am fairly sure), but I didn't say anything to him because I was looking for Rembrandt and well, I'm sure that the actor was there for something other than adoration (or at least pointing and signature asking). He was a lot skinner in person than he looks on TV, and scruffier.
School is sucking my time down the drain and my grades last semester were not what I wanted them to be, but only in one class really. But it was the 4 credit class, so it weighs more heavily. Of course. I sort of knew it was coming, though, I was just hoping for better. This semester is a lot of work and I constantly feel about a step behind. The problem with that is that instead of catching up, I know I'm just going to slowly slip further behind. Stupid stuff to do...
And my fingers smell like garlic.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Procrastination
So, really I should be writing part of the 40 page paper that I need to have a full draft of done by Monday, but I don't wanna. I thought what better use of my time then to update my blog. I don't really have anything to say, but I thought that I'd check in with whoever is left reading this.
To the update-mobile!
Classes have started for real. I have yet to fall behind on the day-to-day readings, which really shouldn't be that much of an accomplishment as I have only had five days of classes, but I am me and I do get behind on occassion. I just fake it real good when I need to look on top of the world.
My grades were due to be turned in by professors by today. As of 5:30 pm I had no grades. Most people have one or two, and some have all, of their grades by now and I have none. I am concerned and totally obsessed. A good student this does not make...I am also paranoid that something happened and my grades did not come through and I'll have gone through an entire semester of school and not get any credit for that. How's that for paranoia.
My parents are coming to southern California this weekend, which is kind of inconvient because of the paper, but I am glad that I get to see them sooner rather than later. There is also the possibility that my parents will meet the boys parents, but nothing is solidified for that, so we shall see. It is a big step in my mind becuase my parents have never met a boy's parents while I was dating said boy. Largely because my dad believes there is a time for such things and one had not been reached by me until now. That's scary to me. However, I have never lived with a boy before either and that seems to be okay except for the burden sharing of chores and payment. I do one, he does the other. It seems unbalanced, but I can only expect sharing on one half because I am still in school.
I had a really great two hour conversation with the professor I TA for about what she wants to do with her life and what she did before she became a professor. It was really cool because I had never talked to her like that before, even though she took me to a San Diego Chargers football game. It's somehow comforting to know that even people who are much older than me are still trying to figure out what to do next. Oh, and it is helpful to remember that professors are real people who sometimes do stupid things too.
And GO BEARS!
To the update-mobile!
Classes have started for real. I have yet to fall behind on the day-to-day readings, which really shouldn't be that much of an accomplishment as I have only had five days of classes, but I am me and I do get behind on occassion. I just fake it real good when I need to look on top of the world.
My grades were due to be turned in by professors by today. As of 5:30 pm I had no grades. Most people have one or two, and some have all, of their grades by now and I have none. I am concerned and totally obsessed. A good student this does not make...I am also paranoid that something happened and my grades did not come through and I'll have gone through an entire semester of school and not get any credit for that. How's that for paranoia.
My parents are coming to southern California this weekend, which is kind of inconvient because of the paper, but I am glad that I get to see them sooner rather than later. There is also the possibility that my parents will meet the boys parents, but nothing is solidified for that, so we shall see. It is a big step in my mind becuase my parents have never met a boy's parents while I was dating said boy. Largely because my dad believes there is a time for such things and one had not been reached by me until now. That's scary to me. However, I have never lived with a boy before either and that seems to be okay except for the burden sharing of chores and payment. I do one, he does the other. It seems unbalanced, but I can only expect sharing on one half because I am still in school.
I had a really great two hour conversation with the professor I TA for about what she wants to do with her life and what she did before she became a professor. It was really cool because I had never talked to her like that before, even though she took me to a San Diego Chargers football game. It's somehow comforting to know that even people who are much older than me are still trying to figure out what to do next. Oh, and it is helpful to remember that professors are real people who sometimes do stupid things too.
And GO BEARS!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
January Part 1
So, I spent my New Years Eve in sweatpants playing a videogame with the boy. Not my usual stellar performance but I enjoyed it a lot. I did talk to a few people, mostly family, as the new years washed across the states each in their appropriate time zone. Some were sober, some were not. It was good to hear each of their voices for a lot of different reasons. However, I did get a little sad that I didn't get to spend the night with my friends or family (not that I didn't love spending the time with the boy, but you know what I mean). I have said (probably more often than necessary) that I think that New Years Eve is the holiday you spend with whomever you choose. Most people spend Thanksgiving and the winter holiday of their persuasion with family if it is possible, but New Years is not so much a family tradition but an excuse for everyone to hang out with people that they love who don't know what you looked like when you were zero years old, if that's what they want. Over the last two years, I have not really gotten a choice in where I was. This year I could have gone out (if I was made of money), but hanging out with drunken strangers is not my idea of a fun New Years Eve. I get very sad for the many friends that I have and rarely see over this period.
Not that I write or call any of you, but I do miss you none the less.
About a week later I went home to visit my parents. I had an awesome time because my parents love and adore me and ply me with more wine than is recommended by so-called doctors. I seriously drank more with my parents than I had over the entire semester. I don't know what that says about my drinking during the semester or what that says about my time with my family. But, it wasn't like we were drinking for the purpose of drinking -- it was before/with/after dinner drinks of wine which makes it okay. I did get to see some friends who have know me since my awkward teen years (lord help me and them) and saw the possibility that we are growing up into adults. How scary is that?
I also got into an argument about whiskey with the youngest son of the friends of the family who I could have sworn is 12, but is apparently working on graduating from college/getting his masters simulataneously and is of legal drinking age which some how nearly warped into a debate (in a very long and winding 6 person discussion) about welfare. I babysat that kid -- how is he old enough to be an adult?
Overall it was a great time home and for the first time I could actually envision myself moving there someday sooner rather than later. I felt a very real sense of depression as I flew away, which I had not gotten in a really long time. I don't know if that means that I am not really happy here in San Diego or if in my burgeoning maturity I wish to be nearer my parents or if my sense of not having a network of friends here in San Diego took over or if there is something else I don't get going on.
I do know that I was really sad that I did not have a friends to go out with when I got back that isn't the boy. Sometimes I want to talk about the boy to someone, but I don't really have the feeling that there is anyone here who would get it.
Now, school has started today and I have a ton of poop on my plate, so if you don't hear from me until May, I'm probably not dead, just on the verge of a psychotic break.
PS Golden Globes is the bestests!
Not that I write or call any of you, but I do miss you none the less.
About a week later I went home to visit my parents. I had an awesome time because my parents love and adore me and ply me with more wine than is recommended by so-called doctors. I seriously drank more with my parents than I had over the entire semester. I don't know what that says about my drinking during the semester or what that says about my time with my family. But, it wasn't like we were drinking for the purpose of drinking -- it was before/with/after dinner drinks of wine which makes it okay. I did get to see some friends who have know me since my awkward teen years (lord help me and them) and saw the possibility that we are growing up into adults. How scary is that?
I also got into an argument about whiskey with the youngest son of the friends of the family who I could have sworn is 12, but is apparently working on graduating from college/getting his masters simulataneously and is of legal drinking age which some how nearly warped into a debate (in a very long and winding 6 person discussion) about welfare. I babysat that kid -- how is he old enough to be an adult?
Overall it was a great time home and for the first time I could actually envision myself moving there someday sooner rather than later. I felt a very real sense of depression as I flew away, which I had not gotten in a really long time. I don't know if that means that I am not really happy here in San Diego or if in my burgeoning maturity I wish to be nearer my parents or if my sense of not having a network of friends here in San Diego took over or if there is something else I don't get going on.
I do know that I was really sad that I did not have a friends to go out with when I got back that isn't the boy. Sometimes I want to talk about the boy to someone, but I don't really have the feeling that there is anyone here who would get it.
Now, school has started today and I have a ton of poop on my plate, so if you don't hear from me until May, I'm probably not dead, just on the verge of a psychotic break.
PS Golden Globes is the bestests!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tidings of Comfort and Joy
So, this was the first year I spent Christmas away from my family. I was very sad not to spend Christmas with my family because it is my favorite time of year because of the craziness that ensues when the holidays role around. The part that was hardest is that my sister had my parents come to her house and so they all got to be together without me there. And, it was of course the year that my sister decided to get herself in the family way and announce it on Christmas Eve to my parents, her inlaws and her sister in law. So, everyone but me. Since it was Christmas Eve, I was with the boy and his family celebrating with them and did not get the news till the next day after everyone else found out, including most of the extended family (biological or otherwise). So, I'm going to be an aunt in less than a year. Woo hoo go me! Oh wait, I don't have to do anything!
Spending Christmas with the boys family was okay. There is a lot of in-family bickering which I guess is standard for families, but it's different for me because we do not spend a lot time with extended family. I suppose my sister and I have our moments, but it seems really different. I suppose that is in part because we are still relatively young and we don't have actually important things to bicker about. Normally we just know what things to say to irritate each other, but maybe after many yhears she and I will be bickering more and more. I should work to make that not happen. Perhap finding my zen place would help. Now if only I would take the time to get a zen place.
Something that I have done for myself is get a job for the summer. I am going to be working at a big law firm here in San Diego, which is awesome for me and happened because some very awesome professors helped me out. It also means that I have sold out, and, to be honest, I am very excited about it. It's still far away, but it is also nerve wracking because all the questions of "can I do this" and "am I going to be over my head" and "what am I thinking" are running around my head. As soon as school starts up again then I am certain that those will dissipate to be drown out by the amount of work that I think I'm going to have next semester. Stupid brain signing up for so many classes....
Now I really must start working on a paper because I'm just that much of a procrastinator. But you knew that.
Kleenex, tissue for the gods...
Spending Christmas with the boys family was okay. There is a lot of in-family bickering which I guess is standard for families, but it's different for me because we do not spend a lot time with extended family. I suppose my sister and I have our moments, but it seems really different. I suppose that is in part because we are still relatively young and we don't have actually important things to bicker about. Normally we just know what things to say to irritate each other, but maybe after many yhears she and I will be bickering more and more. I should work to make that not happen. Perhap finding my zen place would help. Now if only I would take the time to get a zen place.
Something that I have done for myself is get a job for the summer. I am going to be working at a big law firm here in San Diego, which is awesome for me and happened because some very awesome professors helped me out. It also means that I have sold out, and, to be honest, I am very excited about it. It's still far away, but it is also nerve wracking because all the questions of "can I do this" and "am I going to be over my head" and "what am I thinking" are running around my head. As soon as school starts up again then I am certain that those will dissipate to be drown out by the amount of work that I think I'm going to have next semester. Stupid brain signing up for so many classes....
Now I really must start working on a paper because I'm just that much of a procrastinator. But you knew that.
Kleenex, tissue for the gods...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Hopefully still counting
I have one more final left, then maybe a post will appear. Until such time, may I suggest clicking on the following link to raise money for abolishing AIDS. All you need to do is go to the site and light the candle by clicking. Then a pharmacuetical company will provide another dollar.
https://www.lighttounite.org/
Love to you all!
https://www.lighttounite.org/
Love to you all!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
It's my birthday
So, in honor of the big day, and the last year spent in my 20's I am spending the day, and most of the night in the libarary working on papers.
My life is awesome.
At least I'm not old and cranky. Well, I'm not old anyway.
Cannons should explode in classical music more often. (FYI My computer's thesaurus's recommendation for synonyms for cannon were gun, big gun, field gun, and mortar.)
My life is awesome.
At least I'm not old and cranky. Well, I'm not old anyway.
Cannons should explode in classical music more often. (FYI My computer's thesaurus's recommendation for synonyms for cannon were gun, big gun, field gun, and mortar.)
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I wanna be a burnout
Oh, wait, I meant I am burnt out. I don't know why, it's not like I've done that much this semester, I just have an overwhelming sense of apathy. That's not good considering the mountain of work that looms in my sights...
Things seem to be moving peculiarly slowly. Everything is sort of going about at its own pace and plodding along, and I seem to be statisfied with sitting around watching the whole thing happening as opposed to getting involved in my own life. It's a very surreal experience of failing to be invested in what is going on. Much of it is so dependant on the fact that I am just very anxious about the whole job search process. I think that once I know what I am going to be doing (0r if I need to keep working on it, at least) I will be ready to jump into the whole "school" thing more. It's as if being in limbo in one part of my life I feel the need to be in limbo in all of it. That's not so helpful.
I really didn't have much to say, but I wanted you all to know that I am alive and still spending time on the internet while I should be studying.
When will I be less bitter and more smooth....
Things seem to be moving peculiarly slowly. Everything is sort of going about at its own pace and plodding along, and I seem to be statisfied with sitting around watching the whole thing happening as opposed to getting involved in my own life. It's a very surreal experience of failing to be invested in what is going on. Much of it is so dependant on the fact that I am just very anxious about the whole job search process. I think that once I know what I am going to be doing (0r if I need to keep working on it, at least) I will be ready to jump into the whole "school" thing more. It's as if being in limbo in one part of my life I feel the need to be in limbo in all of it. That's not so helpful.
I really didn't have much to say, but I wanted you all to know that I am alive and still spending time on the internet while I should be studying.
When will I be less bitter and more smooth....
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Unsuppressing
So, on Monday, there was this overexploited anniversary that I got tired of hearing about by the Thursday prior. It's been five years since some people decided to take a truly nasty swipe at what they percieve is wrong with the world -- the US and it's capitalism. I did not realize how mixed my emotions were about that time and the anniversary of that moment until everytime they played yet another heart wrenching moment of "what life would be like if only my (insert personal relation/spouse/unknown parent) had not died that day" I began to cry. I am about to use this space to attempt some catharsis about that day, so feel free to ignore it or change the channel, or whatever you need to do.
To begin with, I watched, live, as both planes hit the WTC towers when I came into my everyday life of work. I was waiting for a coworker to arrive so we could get coffee. I honestly cannot remember if we ever got it. However, it was not going to be an everyday day, and for a long time afterwards it wasn't going to be normal.
After watching the towers get hit, and thinking how badly the air traffic controllers had f-ed up, I did not turn off theTV and instead watched as a reporter was giving an update from the Pentagon when there were muted explosions, not just on TV but in the real world as well. Soon, it was obvious that the Pentagon had been hit as well. Various reports claimed five to ten flights that were still flying but their locations were unknown. Speculation ran rampent as to what other targets were left to be attacked and how much chaos was going on in the city of DC.
Working on Capitol Hill I was both very close to an expected target, yet not really that near danger. I did not work in the Capitol Building, nor did I, at that time, go over there often. But, I still felt like I was a target, because I worked for the government. The response of my office left a lot to be desired, but that's a different rant that I have since dealt, and no one really knew if we should even leave the building. After sitting on pins and needles glued to the television reports of chaos, riots, and attacks in the subway, one alert staffer noticed that a line on the front desk phone that never rang before was ringing. It was settled by the Capitol Police, we were to get the f- out the building. What in my mind was hours of watching the news and trying in multiple calls to calm my mother down, who had awoken to the news that I might be under a terrorist attack, we were told that we were still at risk and we should leave. It was less then an hour, in reality.
As we evacuated, in a calm and orderly fashion, as we were one of the few offices that had not left yet, it was eeriely quiet on the street. However, there were still signs of an unaltered life out there. As were were walking to a coworker's apartment, a FedEx truck was making deliveries. The driver allowed the rolling rear door to slam shut with a bang, and that's when I realized just how damn scared I was. I thought it was an explosion and my heart stopped beating for a long moment.
Those of us who went to the coworkers house sat together trying to piece together what was being reported, what we could and could not do -- could not take the metro, could not make phone calls because all the circuits were busy, could only sit and watch and listen as the military jets scrambled over our heads. It was a time devoid of anything but a cold, clammy intensity sitting and the bottom of my stomach wishing someone could tell me what was really going on.
Eventually, I went home, where my friends slowly gathered bringing with them copious amounts of beer and alcohol. Some of us drank in front of the television slowly trying to figure out who knew what and what really was going on. Others had to get out and be active to shut out all of the emotions that were brewing in a weird and unknown way. I have no idea what all we talked about or how long we were there, but eventually, we made for the bar, a haven of normalcy in a time of the unknown.
Some went to the back to try to find a seat -- I don't remember if I was with them, but even if I wasn't I lived it through them -- and saw the Presidential helicopters fly by in their three formation -- a memory that would haunt them for a moment later as they returned to the back patio on a subsequent visit. Through the whole day, the question remained -- what if --.
As more unfolded, over the days and weeks following, I started feeling very lucky about where I was and that a few people were willing to take on terrorists to prevent anymore people from dieing. I truly doubt that I would have been in a building that would have been hit if all had gone by the terrorists plan, but it might have happened. That it didn't was a blessing from some people somewhere who never met me or anyone I worked with.
On a broader scale, I saw something that could have been great -- a bringing together of a nation -- that eventually turned to something uglier then I have seen before -- a devisive political environment where no policy can truly be good because there is no compromise or debate or thought -- and I am truly disheartened. We started a war in Afghanistan that is barely even mentioned in the news. The "bad guys," those that have become figureheads for a movement that masterminds, trains, and encourages attacks like those we have gone through are still out there, no longer pursued with all due diligence because we are focused on another part of the world that had nothing to do with what happened.
Instead, we are fighting so many different battles -- not just those that are being fought by the soliders -- around the world. We are trying to do so much with the rationalization that has something to do with those four planes and those thousands of peoples lives lost, and no of it will actually stop the river, instead, they're causing the damn to leak more and more. And more and more bloodshed, hatred, and ideology get born without a moment's thought to why.
Why do those people seek us out to hate and destroy? Why do we continue to allow them to win the hearts of potential allies by pandering to war instead of development? How is it that our foreign policy remains so much in the hands of those that would burn bridges to keep the enemy outside that it fails to realized that their are others on the other side of the bridge that may some day might wish to cross it? Not to mention we are simply finding only outside problems and solutions, when there are those inside who create just as much damage.
And then we have the exploitation of the grief, anger, pain, and horror as another anniversary roles through. We look back and try to determine what has and hasn't changed. Find that it is the appropriate time to trot out those that have lost persons most dear and listen without hearing their stories. Where are the people still working to fix what is still wrong for those people? Why is the sound byte and dramatic flag shot on a single day more imporatant than the needs of those still reeling from a world turned upside down? What do we do everyday to make those that lost whole -- at least as much as can be done? Why is it that the children who do not know thier fathers are more important a story then those children of the military men in Afghanistan who will not know their fathers?
The President called 9/11 the greatest threat our nation has faced, but a Professor just put that into perspective by pointing out that just over a hundred years ago, we fought a civil war that redefined people's rights and self that cost more American lives, money, and time then 9/11. And we're still dealing with the fall out from that.
I know that for myself, I have never really examined all the emotions that I experience in watching thousands of people die or thinking that it could just have easily been me as anyone of them. I know that I cannot yet confront the memories when the TV tells me to. I know that I still need something to help me get to that place. I don't know what that something is, but I am certain that CBS, ABC, or NBC cannot provide it, nor can an abandonment of reason to bloodlust, nor can acquiescence to a leader who chooses to expand the problem instead of finding a solution to the one at hand. Poltics, arguing, and pandering do not help or move us anywhere.
I don't know what does, but I hope that someday we can find out what can, together.
To begin with, I watched, live, as both planes hit the WTC towers when I came into my everyday life of work. I was waiting for a coworker to arrive so we could get coffee. I honestly cannot remember if we ever got it. However, it was not going to be an everyday day, and for a long time afterwards it wasn't going to be normal.
After watching the towers get hit, and thinking how badly the air traffic controllers had f-ed up, I did not turn off theTV and instead watched as a reporter was giving an update from the Pentagon when there were muted explosions, not just on TV but in the real world as well. Soon, it was obvious that the Pentagon had been hit as well. Various reports claimed five to ten flights that were still flying but their locations were unknown. Speculation ran rampent as to what other targets were left to be attacked and how much chaos was going on in the city of DC.
Working on Capitol Hill I was both very close to an expected target, yet not really that near danger. I did not work in the Capitol Building, nor did I, at that time, go over there often. But, I still felt like I was a target, because I worked for the government. The response of my office left a lot to be desired, but that's a different rant that I have since dealt, and no one really knew if we should even leave the building. After sitting on pins and needles glued to the television reports of chaos, riots, and attacks in the subway, one alert staffer noticed that a line on the front desk phone that never rang before was ringing. It was settled by the Capitol Police, we were to get the f- out the building. What in my mind was hours of watching the news and trying in multiple calls to calm my mother down, who had awoken to the news that I might be under a terrorist attack, we were told that we were still at risk and we should leave. It was less then an hour, in reality.
As we evacuated, in a calm and orderly fashion, as we were one of the few offices that had not left yet, it was eeriely quiet on the street. However, there were still signs of an unaltered life out there. As were were walking to a coworker's apartment, a FedEx truck was making deliveries. The driver allowed the rolling rear door to slam shut with a bang, and that's when I realized just how damn scared I was. I thought it was an explosion and my heart stopped beating for a long moment.
Those of us who went to the coworkers house sat together trying to piece together what was being reported, what we could and could not do -- could not take the metro, could not make phone calls because all the circuits were busy, could only sit and watch and listen as the military jets scrambled over our heads. It was a time devoid of anything but a cold, clammy intensity sitting and the bottom of my stomach wishing someone could tell me what was really going on.
Eventually, I went home, where my friends slowly gathered bringing with them copious amounts of beer and alcohol. Some of us drank in front of the television slowly trying to figure out who knew what and what really was going on. Others had to get out and be active to shut out all of the emotions that were brewing in a weird and unknown way. I have no idea what all we talked about or how long we were there, but eventually, we made for the bar, a haven of normalcy in a time of the unknown.
Some went to the back to try to find a seat -- I don't remember if I was with them, but even if I wasn't I lived it through them -- and saw the Presidential helicopters fly by in their three formation -- a memory that would haunt them for a moment later as they returned to the back patio on a subsequent visit. Through the whole day, the question remained -- what if --.
As more unfolded, over the days and weeks following, I started feeling very lucky about where I was and that a few people were willing to take on terrorists to prevent anymore people from dieing. I truly doubt that I would have been in a building that would have been hit if all had gone by the terrorists plan, but it might have happened. That it didn't was a blessing from some people somewhere who never met me or anyone I worked with.
On a broader scale, I saw something that could have been great -- a bringing together of a nation -- that eventually turned to something uglier then I have seen before -- a devisive political environment where no policy can truly be good because there is no compromise or debate or thought -- and I am truly disheartened. We started a war in Afghanistan that is barely even mentioned in the news. The "bad guys," those that have become figureheads for a movement that masterminds, trains, and encourages attacks like those we have gone through are still out there, no longer pursued with all due diligence because we are focused on another part of the world that had nothing to do with what happened.
Instead, we are fighting so many different battles -- not just those that are being fought by the soliders -- around the world. We are trying to do so much with the rationalization that has something to do with those four planes and those thousands of peoples lives lost, and no of it will actually stop the river, instead, they're causing the damn to leak more and more. And more and more bloodshed, hatred, and ideology get born without a moment's thought to why.
Why do those people seek us out to hate and destroy? Why do we continue to allow them to win the hearts of potential allies by pandering to war instead of development? How is it that our foreign policy remains so much in the hands of those that would burn bridges to keep the enemy outside that it fails to realized that their are others on the other side of the bridge that may some day might wish to cross it? Not to mention we are simply finding only outside problems and solutions, when there are those inside who create just as much damage.
And then we have the exploitation of the grief, anger, pain, and horror as another anniversary roles through. We look back and try to determine what has and hasn't changed. Find that it is the appropriate time to trot out those that have lost persons most dear and listen without hearing their stories. Where are the people still working to fix what is still wrong for those people? Why is the sound byte and dramatic flag shot on a single day more imporatant than the needs of those still reeling from a world turned upside down? What do we do everyday to make those that lost whole -- at least as much as can be done? Why is it that the children who do not know thier fathers are more important a story then those children of the military men in Afghanistan who will not know their fathers?
The President called 9/11 the greatest threat our nation has faced, but a Professor just put that into perspective by pointing out that just over a hundred years ago, we fought a civil war that redefined people's rights and self that cost more American lives, money, and time then 9/11. And we're still dealing with the fall out from that.
I know that for myself, I have never really examined all the emotions that I experience in watching thousands of people die or thinking that it could just have easily been me as anyone of them. I know that I cannot yet confront the memories when the TV tells me to. I know that I still need something to help me get to that place. I don't know what that something is, but I am certain that CBS, ABC, or NBC cannot provide it, nor can an abandonment of reason to bloodlust, nor can acquiescence to a leader who chooses to expand the problem instead of finding a solution to the one at hand. Poltics, arguing, and pandering do not help or move us anywhere.
I don't know what does, but I hope that someday we can find out what can, together.
Friday, August 25, 2006
many happy returns
Well, I should start with an apology to all of you who have checked for a sign of life in the last month and a half, but well....my excuses are trite and pointless and you probably wouldn't believe my apology to be sincere anyway. Or, you've stopped checking and will never read this again.
So, to recap my summer:
Family wedding
See above post -- actually it's the post below not above
Friend's wedding
awesome time had by me, I think, I don't remember the end except I invited the whole wedding reception to my parent's house to continue the party -- with their approval of course-- where I subsequently gave away my favorite flipflops to a girl I've met twice who does not remember me from the first time we met because she didn't like me because she thought I was trying to steal her boyfriend (who is now her husband and father of her baby)...enough said.
Summer externship with Judge
I am no longer going their, but I still have work to do. I learned lots, but most important to me was that I am not an idiot and can probably be a good lawyer
Searching for an apartment
So much to say, so little to show for it. Eventually we found a place. It's in the same complex I live in right now and we're not moving till September. There is much frustration rooted in this activity that I would rather not subject you all to, but it's focused on two things: 1) someone else's level of participation in the process and 2) my inability to express my frustration re #1 and internal battling over it. Now we move to living together.
Oh, and we are, obviously, nowhere nearer the beach.
School
I took a summer seminar. I went to class, read some stuff, spent most of class thinking "daaah, I can read..." (me drooling), and wrote a paper that I could have done better with. Got my grade yesterday, could be worse, could be better. Settled on that.
So, then what's new, you may ask. I am back at school. I am working two jobs (at the library training all the little first year workers and as a TA to the lawyering skills department -- I gots you skillz right here byatch). I am starting the unsettling process of summer associate recruiting, i.e., I am looking for my summer job at a law firm as of yesterday (wait, summer isn't for 9 months, you say, to which I respond: getting a summer job for lawyers is like having a baby you start out having some fun, then have to do a bunch of things right so you don't screw it up before you get it, and then you hope you end up with something that doesn't screw you or itself up to badly. Or something like that.) I am a "provisional member" of a law journal -- go me -- oh wait, that's a lot more work.
What isn't new: I still don't get enough sleep.
For more details please check back in a month. Hopefully I'll have posted multiple times since then.
Welcome to the circulation desk, you're about to listen to me for three hours of which you will remember barely anything at all. Learn it, love it, live it...
So, to recap my summer:
Family wedding
See above post -- actually it's the post below not above
Friend's wedding
awesome time had by me, I think, I don't remember the end except I invited the whole wedding reception to my parent's house to continue the party -- with their approval of course-- where I subsequently gave away my favorite flipflops to a girl I've met twice who does not remember me from the first time we met because she didn't like me because she thought I was trying to steal her boyfriend (who is now her husband and father of her baby)...enough said.
Summer externship with Judge
I am no longer going their, but I still have work to do. I learned lots, but most important to me was that I am not an idiot and can probably be a good lawyer
Searching for an apartment
So much to say, so little to show for it. Eventually we found a place. It's in the same complex I live in right now and we're not moving till September. There is much frustration rooted in this activity that I would rather not subject you all to, but it's focused on two things: 1) someone else's level of participation in the process and 2) my inability to express my frustration re #1 and internal battling over it. Now we move to living together.
Oh, and we are, obviously, nowhere nearer the beach.
School
I took a summer seminar. I went to class, read some stuff, spent most of class thinking "daaah, I can read..." (me drooling), and wrote a paper that I could have done better with. Got my grade yesterday, could be worse, could be better. Settled on that.
So, then what's new, you may ask. I am back at school. I am working two jobs (at the library training all the little first year workers and as a TA to the lawyering skills department -- I gots you skillz right here byatch). I am starting the unsettling process of summer associate recruiting, i.e., I am looking for my summer job at a law firm as of yesterday (wait, summer isn't for 9 months, you say, to which I respond: getting a summer job for lawyers is like having a baby you start out having some fun, then have to do a bunch of things right so you don't screw it up before you get it, and then you hope you end up with something that doesn't screw you or itself up to badly. Or something like that.) I am a "provisional member" of a law journal -- go me -- oh wait, that's a lot more work.
What isn't new: I still don't get enough sleep.
For more details please check back in a month. Hopefully I'll have posted multiple times since then.
Welcome to the circulation desk, you're about to listen to me for three hours of which you will remember barely anything at all. Learn it, love it, live it...
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Oh my god, where have I been?
Well, nowhere really, oh wait, somewhere, but not sure why I couldn't update before now.
So, it is now almost the second week in July and I haven't updated in oh, about three weeks. You three people left checking this spot are dedicated and I thank you and apologize for my retarditude. (hee, hee, making up words is fun.)
Okay, so the boy has moved down to here, but we have not gotten a place yet. We did submit an application at one place on Friday, so here's hoping everything works out. It's a cute two bedroom place with GIANT closets. I love closets!!!! You can put stuff in them and forget all about it :)
Living in a one bedroom place temporarily makes me realize why a two bedroom is necessary: we don't want to do the same stuff all the time and I don't do homework in the bedroom or I will sleep. That's not to say I won't sleep in the living room while doing homework, but I will wake up sooner. Stupid comfy couch.
However, if we do get this place, I think we'll need more furniture. Which is expensive, even at IKEA. Which is where I went this weekend. I like IKEA, but I feel like I shouldn't be shopping there any more. IKEA has always seemed like the college-transition-into-adulthood furniture store. I think that I have reached adulthood, of some sort, even though I'm in school still. I want to start thinking about buying more substantial "grown-up" furniture made with real word not "engineered" wood (read: pressboard). It is like when I switched from a futon to a "real" bed (and then again from a full to queen sized bed). It's an indication of settling down and being an established person. Perhaps I'm looking for establishment when I don't feel established as though my furniture purchases will anchor me somehow. Who thought furniture desires could be so revealing...
I also am tired of blonde woods. I wish for deep color dark wood. That I can't explain.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to the beautiful town of Erie, PA. Let's just say that I don't think I'm moving there ever. I went for my cousin's wedding and helping my mom take care of my grandparents/keep her sanity. My sister and her husband were there too. My sister does a much better job of helping with the physical side of my grandparents needs. Obviously, doing it for a living helps a lot, but having confidence in how you should help plays a long way into it. My strength is that I have learned to listen to my grandfather in a way that he thinks that I am truly hanging on every word he says. I do listen to him, even when I've heard the story a million times because it is the stuff that means the most to him.
My mom told me that my grandfather has since proclaimed me as his favorite because I actually listen to him. I think that is both terribly unfair to my cousins who see him much more regularly and very sad for my grandpa. Now, I am the first to admit that I don't find my grandpa the most exciting individual ever, but he has seen and done some things that have immense importance to him. The entire history of the Methodist church and his family bloodlines may not be my cup of tea, but it is his passion. I know that the ridiculous things that I find worthwhile to be passionate about aren't everyone else's favorite topic, but I hope that when I'm 80 + years old some one will let me tell them everything I know about them, where or not they truly care. That is what I told my mom. I know it is extrodinarily hard for her and her sister to put up with taking care of their parents and dealing with the same stories that they've both heard a billion times, but he just wants someone to listen to him. I am fairly certain that is all he ever wanted.
Spending time with my grandparents make me really afraid of getting really old. When faced with the frustration, pain, anger, and depression that comes with the new restrictions on my grandparents, it scared me about what getting old is about. I don't think I need to fear it yet, but it was definitely frightening.
The other milestone of the trip was only having one argument with my sister. That is a milestone for us because we tend to grate each other's nerves in the most effective and raw sort of way. Yeah growing up.
Then there was Fourth of July. But I must do some school work, so hopefully I'll update soon and talk about that. Don't hold your breath :)
Commercials about Judge "Insert first name(s)" TV shows make me proud to not recognize anyone on them.
So, it is now almost the second week in July and I haven't updated in oh, about three weeks. You three people left checking this spot are dedicated and I thank you and apologize for my retarditude. (hee, hee, making up words is fun.)
Okay, so the boy has moved down to here, but we have not gotten a place yet. We did submit an application at one place on Friday, so here's hoping everything works out. It's a cute two bedroom place with GIANT closets. I love closets!!!! You can put stuff in them and forget all about it :)
Living in a one bedroom place temporarily makes me realize why a two bedroom is necessary: we don't want to do the same stuff all the time and I don't do homework in the bedroom or I will sleep. That's not to say I won't sleep in the living room while doing homework, but I will wake up sooner. Stupid comfy couch.
However, if we do get this place, I think we'll need more furniture. Which is expensive, even at IKEA. Which is where I went this weekend. I like IKEA, but I feel like I shouldn't be shopping there any more. IKEA has always seemed like the college-transition-into-adulthood furniture store. I think that I have reached adulthood, of some sort, even though I'm in school still. I want to start thinking about buying more substantial "grown-up" furniture made with real word not "engineered" wood (read: pressboard). It is like when I switched from a futon to a "real" bed (and then again from a full to queen sized bed). It's an indication of settling down and being an established person. Perhaps I'm looking for establishment when I don't feel established as though my furniture purchases will anchor me somehow. Who thought furniture desires could be so revealing...
I also am tired of blonde woods. I wish for deep color dark wood. That I can't explain.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to the beautiful town of Erie, PA. Let's just say that I don't think I'm moving there ever. I went for my cousin's wedding and helping my mom take care of my grandparents/keep her sanity. My sister and her husband were there too. My sister does a much better job of helping with the physical side of my grandparents needs. Obviously, doing it for a living helps a lot, but having confidence in how you should help plays a long way into it. My strength is that I have learned to listen to my grandfather in a way that he thinks that I am truly hanging on every word he says. I do listen to him, even when I've heard the story a million times because it is the stuff that means the most to him.
My mom told me that my grandfather has since proclaimed me as his favorite because I actually listen to him. I think that is both terribly unfair to my cousins who see him much more regularly and very sad for my grandpa. Now, I am the first to admit that I don't find my grandpa the most exciting individual ever, but he has seen and done some things that have immense importance to him. The entire history of the Methodist church and his family bloodlines may not be my cup of tea, but it is his passion. I know that the ridiculous things that I find worthwhile to be passionate about aren't everyone else's favorite topic, but I hope that when I'm 80 + years old some one will let me tell them everything I know about them, where or not they truly care. That is what I told my mom. I know it is extrodinarily hard for her and her sister to put up with taking care of their parents and dealing with the same stories that they've both heard a billion times, but he just wants someone to listen to him. I am fairly certain that is all he ever wanted.
Spending time with my grandparents make me really afraid of getting really old. When faced with the frustration, pain, anger, and depression that comes with the new restrictions on my grandparents, it scared me about what getting old is about. I don't think I need to fear it yet, but it was definitely frightening.
The other milestone of the trip was only having one argument with my sister. That is a milestone for us because we tend to grate each other's nerves in the most effective and raw sort of way. Yeah growing up.
Then there was Fourth of July. But I must do some school work, so hopefully I'll update soon and talk about that. Don't hold your breath :)
Commercials about Judge "Insert first name(s)" TV shows make me proud to not recognize anyone on them.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Forever and one great weekend later
So, I had some awesome friends in for the weekend which a) was fun, b) forced me to go to the beach (it was a real struggle to get me there), and c) was fun. Jocelyn, Sarah, and Winslow seemed to enjoy themselves, too. Which just means that my friends should all come visit me. Just try not to come all at once because with four there is room, five might be a squeeze, but I know that I have more than five friends so you wouldn't all fit.
I had forgotten what going out and being confident in yourself around the people you are with is like. Since having moved here to go to school, on the rare occasion that I go out, I never know if people find me fun/cool/entertaining/"insert other positive adjectives here" or if they tolerate me because I offer to drive sometimes. With true friends, like Jocelyn, Sarah and Winslow, I knew that they liked me for me and they know me well enough to tell me to do stuff, rummage through my refrigerator, call me weird, tolerate the fact that I say "there's my school" every time we pass it (about twenty times), and make me laugh. I felt truly at ease and really let myself enjoy it, even the hangover.
The best part, now that I've thought about it, was that we didn't spend the whole time reminiscing about the way things were or "remember that one time when...", not that we didn't do that, but that we spent a lot of time looking forward at our individual lives and at how our friendship has and will continue to change. I realized that I do miss them terribly, but I am also aware that even if I moved back to the east coast, it would not be the same as it ever was. We're all making new decision and thinking about the next five years in very different ways. We're all contemplating more long term decisions like careers, kids, marriage (if you're not already married), finding a place to live for longer than a year or two. Not that any one of us had answers but we certainly had questions.
We did "gossip" in that way that I found out how some of my friends I haven't seen and I never write are doing. I also got to share some updates about the first year DC crew, so I felt somewhat "in the know." That was good to hear about the further adventures of life as I used to know it. To those of you out there that I heard about: congratulations on the good stuff and good luck with the new stuff and try not to drive too fast. To those of you I got to give the update on: congratulations on the good stuff and good luck with the new stuff from Jocelyn, Sarah, and Winslow (if you've met him (which you may have but he's asked for anonymity on the internet)).
We also played poker. Jocelyn is extraordinarily lucky on deals, no matter what game you're playing. Don't play her for money. Winslow and Sarah play too much poker and know too many games so I never remember the rules to anything. This makes me a patsy. Play me for money.
We went out drinking, like for reals drinking. I got the hic-ups for about an hour, we played with a sharpie at the bar (Sarah to the waitress: "Where can we get good tattoos around here?", Waitress to Sarah after looking at the four of us in our sharpie splendor (mostly the others as I am too afraid of "permanent"): "You might want to stick to the sharpie."), we got bum rushed out with the heard at closing time, and the next day was a long process of recouping for some (my trash can misses you). Then we went to the beach. I think I could only do that once a quarter as I hate the hic-ups.
On Sunday, we went on the quest of the "Amusement Park" for Jocelyn and fish tacos for Winslow. Since I didn't take either of them to TJ to drink as expected (because that's what you do when you come to San Diego, right?), it was only right. The amusement park is really a boardwalk type area that has a roller coaster that was made of wood and built in the 1940s. It is just mellow enough that I liked it, but still no too boring for those with a greater sense of adventure. Then we went on the tilt-a-whirl and tried to take pictures of each other while the ride was in motion. Winslow said that made him feel like Saturday morning (not so good). Then we staggered away, me complaining of "neck pain" because I am getting old, and Sarah and Jocelyn managed to find a greasy taco place which served up some grub, including the long awaited fish tacos.
Then they left, and I felt sad. Then I started looking to see if there were reasonably priced apartments in the beach areas because I live near a McDonald's, the Vietnamese grocery, and my school. There are, so the next one to visit may have an easier time getting to the beach. Finding parking, however, is another matter.
In contrast, I went out with some folks from school last night (for a couple of beers and dinner) and I realized that while they were cool people that I genuinely like, I still feel guarded around them. This is a personal flaw that only I can fix. I cannot keep hoping that I will magically have friends like Jocelyn, Sarah, and Winslow because those friendships didn't just happen. It took time to get there and a willingness to expose my flaws to them and it was more then worth it.
And I still don't know where the salt from our table went...really, I have no idea.
I had forgotten what going out and being confident in yourself around the people you are with is like. Since having moved here to go to school, on the rare occasion that I go out, I never know if people find me fun/cool/entertaining/"insert other positive adjectives here" or if they tolerate me because I offer to drive sometimes. With true friends, like Jocelyn, Sarah and Winslow, I knew that they liked me for me and they know me well enough to tell me to do stuff, rummage through my refrigerator, call me weird, tolerate the fact that I say "there's my school" every time we pass it (about twenty times), and make me laugh. I felt truly at ease and really let myself enjoy it, even the hangover.
The best part, now that I've thought about it, was that we didn't spend the whole time reminiscing about the way things were or "remember that one time when...", not that we didn't do that, but that we spent a lot of time looking forward at our individual lives and at how our friendship has and will continue to change. I realized that I do miss them terribly, but I am also aware that even if I moved back to the east coast, it would not be the same as it ever was. We're all making new decision and thinking about the next five years in very different ways. We're all contemplating more long term decisions like careers, kids, marriage (if you're not already married), finding a place to live for longer than a year or two. Not that any one of us had answers but we certainly had questions.
We did "gossip" in that way that I found out how some of my friends I haven't seen and I never write are doing. I also got to share some updates about the first year DC crew, so I felt somewhat "in the know." That was good to hear about the further adventures of life as I used to know it. To those of you out there that I heard about: congratulations on the good stuff and good luck with the new stuff and try not to drive too fast. To those of you I got to give the update on: congratulations on the good stuff and good luck with the new stuff from Jocelyn, Sarah, and Winslow (if you've met him (which you may have but he's asked for anonymity on the internet)).
We also played poker. Jocelyn is extraordinarily lucky on deals, no matter what game you're playing. Don't play her for money. Winslow and Sarah play too much poker and know too many games so I never remember the rules to anything. This makes me a patsy. Play me for money.
We went out drinking, like for reals drinking. I got the hic-ups for about an hour, we played with a sharpie at the bar (Sarah to the waitress: "Where can we get good tattoos around here?", Waitress to Sarah after looking at the four of us in our sharpie splendor (mostly the others as I am too afraid of "permanent"): "You might want to stick to the sharpie."), we got bum rushed out with the heard at closing time, and the next day was a long process of recouping for some (my trash can misses you). Then we went to the beach. I think I could only do that once a quarter as I hate the hic-ups.
On Sunday, we went on the quest of the "Amusement Park" for Jocelyn and fish tacos for Winslow. Since I didn't take either of them to TJ to drink as expected (because that's what you do when you come to San Diego, right?), it was only right. The amusement park is really a boardwalk type area that has a roller coaster that was made of wood and built in the 1940s. It is just mellow enough that I liked it, but still no too boring for those with a greater sense of adventure. Then we went on the tilt-a-whirl and tried to take pictures of each other while the ride was in motion. Winslow said that made him feel like Saturday morning (not so good). Then we staggered away, me complaining of "neck pain" because I am getting old, and Sarah and Jocelyn managed to find a greasy taco place which served up some grub, including the long awaited fish tacos.
Then they left, and I felt sad. Then I started looking to see if there were reasonably priced apartments in the beach areas because I live near a McDonald's, the Vietnamese grocery, and my school. There are, so the next one to visit may have an easier time getting to the beach. Finding parking, however, is another matter.
In contrast, I went out with some folks from school last night (for a couple of beers and dinner) and I realized that while they were cool people that I genuinely like, I still feel guarded around them. This is a personal flaw that only I can fix. I cannot keep hoping that I will magically have friends like Jocelyn, Sarah, and Winslow because those friendships didn't just happen. It took time to get there and a willingness to expose my flaws to them and it was more then worth it.
And I still don't know where the salt from our table went...really, I have no idea.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Really, I'm fine
So, for the last week I have supposed to have been working on writing my memo for my law review application. It is a 10 page document, written like a legal memo, based on research they have provided in a 132 page packet. Let's just say that procrastination wins all the time when I am the opponent. I got it done, but I didn't sleep much Thursday night.
Thus, I slept a lot Friday night, just before going to bed. Were I went to read myself back to sleep, which I couldn't. 4 am is a great time of day, really it is. Just not for being awake. Even my late night neighbors know that. So, finally I fell back asleep and I got up at 2pm. Then I cleaned. Got through the living room, minus my desk. My 10' x 10' living room really shouldn't take 3 hours to clean, but that's how long I took. Now, I just need to clean the rest of my apartment. Hopefully it won't take as long because I would like to at least like to find out something about this city I live in, in case anyone wants to come visit me ever.
However, having a clean apartment for visitors is nice too...
Let's see, updates.
1) I am officially no longer in my first year of law school. Woohoo.
2) The boy's sister got married last weekend and I was there. The day after finals. I cannot say I really got a break that weekend. I did however hear a lot of people ask me when he and I would be getting married. By lots of people I mean four people, repeatedly through out the reception. They were his cousins who I met at Thanksgiving and they were very persistent. Unfortunately the boy was not sitting at the same table. Not because he was supposed to be at a different table, but because sometimes it is easier to just acquiesce to circumstances. So, I sat with the parents, cousins, and family patriarch. No pressure there.
That night, I helped prepare a brunch for the next morning with the boy's mom and the boy. I also helped more the next morning before I left to come back and work on the writing assignment, right as people were showing up for the brunch.
3) I read a whole non-law book! Woohoo! Not a challenging book, but good read called Inkheart. Along the lines of a kids book with some very interesting themes about evil, imagination, and family.
4) The boy is in Australia right now and will move down here when he gets back. So, I really need to do some apartment hunting, and I should maybe get rid of come stuff so that there is room in a closet that I apparently will have to share. Oh, and I should tell my parents.
5) I am working as a judicial intern this summer. I am nervous, excited, daunted, and unsure. I start next week. We shall see.
...beware the groove...
Thus, I slept a lot Friday night, just before going to bed. Were I went to read myself back to sleep, which I couldn't. 4 am is a great time of day, really it is. Just not for being awake. Even my late night neighbors know that. So, finally I fell back asleep and I got up at 2pm. Then I cleaned. Got through the living room, minus my desk. My 10' x 10' living room really shouldn't take 3 hours to clean, but that's how long I took. Now, I just need to clean the rest of my apartment. Hopefully it won't take as long because I would like to at least like to find out something about this city I live in, in case anyone wants to come visit me ever.
However, having a clean apartment for visitors is nice too...
Let's see, updates.
1) I am officially no longer in my first year of law school. Woohoo.
2) The boy's sister got married last weekend and I was there. The day after finals. I cannot say I really got a break that weekend. I did however hear a lot of people ask me when he and I would be getting married. By lots of people I mean four people, repeatedly through out the reception. They were his cousins who I met at Thanksgiving and they were very persistent. Unfortunately the boy was not sitting at the same table. Not because he was supposed to be at a different table, but because sometimes it is easier to just acquiesce to circumstances. So, I sat with the parents, cousins, and family patriarch. No pressure there.
That night, I helped prepare a brunch for the next morning with the boy's mom and the boy. I also helped more the next morning before I left to come back and work on the writing assignment, right as people were showing up for the brunch.
3) I read a whole non-law book! Woohoo! Not a challenging book, but good read called Inkheart. Along the lines of a kids book with some very interesting themes about evil, imagination, and family.
4) The boy is in Australia right now and will move down here when he gets back. So, I really need to do some apartment hunting, and I should maybe get rid of come stuff so that there is room in a closet that I apparently will have to share. Oh, and I should tell my parents.
5) I am working as a judicial intern this summer. I am nervous, excited, daunted, and unsure. I start next week. We shall see.
...beware the groove...
Friday, May 19, 2006
And out...
Today, I finished my last final of my first year. I was plesantly surprised with how it turned out. No need to cry afterwards. Merely, a need to drink. Which I did. In the parking lot with a few classmates. For two hours.
I was OUTSIDE!!!!!
Thus, I got a sunburn for being in cloudy to sunny outdoors. My first sun related issue since moving here to "sunny southern california." I think that says something about my reclusive nerdiness. Or maybe it doesn't. I don't know, and I don't care.
Three hour naps in the middle of the day to "sleep it off" are awesome.
Woohoo!
I was OUTSIDE!!!!!
Thus, I got a sunburn for being in cloudy to sunny outdoors. My first sun related issue since moving here to "sunny southern california." I think that says something about my reclusive nerdiness. Or maybe it doesn't. I don't know, and I don't care.
Three hour naps in the middle of the day to "sleep it off" are awesome.
Woohoo!
Monday, May 15, 2006
2 down 2 to go
I am an ubernerd!!!!! (I don't have umlauts, which makes me sad that I cannot express the proper vowel mutation, which expresses my ubernerdiness.)
I realized at some point last night while not sleep because the overwhelming panic that I could not accept a B in the class that I took the final for this morning. (Which sounds like this smorning in my head so I could not figure out if I spelled it properly, hee hee.) For those not in "the know" there is a hard curve in the first year of law school, and, like most law schools except Harvard, the bell of the curve sits on the B. Only 18% of the class can get above a B+. I want to be in that 18% because since everyone asks me to explain stuff they don't understand in my property class, I think that I am "too good" for a mere average rating. However, the panic sets in when I thought about the paucity of studying for that final. Additionally, the entirety of the above worries me on many levels, mostly the whole "Ego" being developed. I really need to get over myself.
Speaking of which, I have to study for a test that will, inherently kick my ass, only to be followed on Friday by a test that will kick my ass and my brain, repeatedly, with spiky things on its feet. Think of the fanged protector of the cave that gives the location of the grail. That will make you laugh if you have any sense of humor worth having. Particularly if you remember "Tim" describing it.
Now I must get to work.
PS Taco Bell and 13 hour days in the library are not an appropriate combination. Ulcers and 13 hours in the library and ulcers and Taco Bell are. Odd...
I realized at some point last night while not sleep because the overwhelming panic that I could not accept a B in the class that I took the final for this morning. (Which sounds like this smorning in my head so I could not figure out if I spelled it properly, hee hee.) For those not in "the know" there is a hard curve in the first year of law school, and, like most law schools except Harvard, the bell of the curve sits on the B. Only 18% of the class can get above a B+. I want to be in that 18% because since everyone asks me to explain stuff they don't understand in my property class, I think that I am "too good" for a mere average rating. However, the panic sets in when I thought about the paucity of studying for that final. Additionally, the entirety of the above worries me on many levels, mostly the whole "Ego" being developed. I really need to get over myself.
Speaking of which, I have to study for a test that will, inherently kick my ass, only to be followed on Friday by a test that will kick my ass and my brain, repeatedly, with spiky things on its feet. Think of the fanged protector of the cave that gives the location of the grail. That will make you laugh if you have any sense of humor worth having. Particularly if you remember "Tim" describing it.
Now I must get to work.
PS Taco Bell and 13 hour days in the library are not an appropriate combination. Ulcers and 13 hours in the library and ulcers and Taco Bell are. Odd...
Friday, May 12, 2006
I am not dead, yet
I have just completed my first of four finals. I have not been posting here because a) I'm lazy and b) I know that I should be spending my time doing more studying and less procrastinating.
The funny thing about the second reason is that well, it doesn't always seem to work out that just because I'm not doing one procrastination that I'm not doing all the rest. In fact, I was, but well, now in the next 7 days I must prepared for and take 3 three hour exams that will decide my whole grade for a class I've been going to for four months. Therefore, blog procrastination is added to the list of things acceptable to do.
There is nothing funny about the first reason, except that well, if you know me, which you probably do if you're reading this, you know that I'm not lazy about everything, just selective things like keeping up to date with my friends. Sorry about that.
Here are things I would like to rant about:
1) I work at the school library as my work study. Since I work the circulation desk, my time spent in the books is limited to "shelf reading" and reshelving certain types of books. Shelf reading involves going into certain portions of the stack (the areas were we reshelve no less) and make sure that the books are in order, by call number then by volume number. The areas we reshelve in and "read" in are the series of reporters that are put out by court reporting publishers by volume. Therefore, we're making sure that books are in their proper order from 1 to whatever number it ends at before the publisher starts recounting and naming the series 2nd or 3rd, etc. Not terribly challenging work for someone going after an "advanced" degree.
You would think that, but you'd be WRONG.
I can't tell you how many books I've had to move because people cannot figure out that if the book they have in their hand says 435 in big numbers on the outside it belongs after 434 and before 436, where the big hole they left was created when they pulled the book out is, not after 146, where they put it. Is it really that hard? Now I know that people don't always pay attention and therefore just put books back where ever, and well, bully for them, but I am also firmly convinced that these are the same people that complain that the books they need are never in the right place or reshelved quickly enough.
Or they complain that the print card machine needs fives and ones and we never have change (it's not our machine or our responsibility, except when it breaks).
I really just don't like people.
2) If it is clearly "study for finals in the library time," popping your gum for two hours should be reason for me to beat you. Not turning off your cell phone ringer, well, then "grave bodily harm" is justified. Not turning off your cell phone ringer, answering the phone call in the carrels, and proceeding to have a conversation that starts with "I'm in the library" and lasts more than 30 seconds without you leaving the study area where "no cell phones can be used here" is clearly marked, well, you're risking your life. Seriously.
3) DHL can bite my ass.
4) I am conscious hypocrite. (I don't have my cell phone on in the library or snap gum, but I do look down on people for interrupting everyone or being rude, and I do that.) I think that's worse than just being a hypocrite. I must fix this, but I don't know how.
5) The more people I talk to in law school the more I realize there are people here that I like and I should be more social. And they should all stop trying to transfer to other schools.
6) I broke my coffee grinder the day before finals and don't have any ground coffee in my house, you try to tell me that God has no sense of humor.
Now, onto property studies, unless there is something else I need to do...
The funny thing about the second reason is that well, it doesn't always seem to work out that just because I'm not doing one procrastination that I'm not doing all the rest. In fact, I was, but well, now in the next 7 days I must prepared for and take 3 three hour exams that will decide my whole grade for a class I've been going to for four months. Therefore, blog procrastination is added to the list of things acceptable to do.
There is nothing funny about the first reason, except that well, if you know me, which you probably do if you're reading this, you know that I'm not lazy about everything, just selective things like keeping up to date with my friends. Sorry about that.
Here are things I would like to rant about:
1) I work at the school library as my work study. Since I work the circulation desk, my time spent in the books is limited to "shelf reading" and reshelving certain types of books. Shelf reading involves going into certain portions of the stack (the areas were we reshelve no less) and make sure that the books are in order, by call number then by volume number. The areas we reshelve in and "read" in are the series of reporters that are put out by court reporting publishers by volume. Therefore, we're making sure that books are in their proper order from 1 to whatever number it ends at before the publisher starts recounting and naming the series 2nd or 3rd, etc. Not terribly challenging work for someone going after an "advanced" degree.
You would think that, but you'd be WRONG.
I can't tell you how many books I've had to move because people cannot figure out that if the book they have in their hand says 435 in big numbers on the outside it belongs after 434 and before 436, where the big hole they left was created when they pulled the book out is, not after 146, where they put it. Is it really that hard? Now I know that people don't always pay attention and therefore just put books back where ever, and well, bully for them, but I am also firmly convinced that these are the same people that complain that the books they need are never in the right place or reshelved quickly enough.
Or they complain that the print card machine needs fives and ones and we never have change (it's not our machine or our responsibility, except when it breaks).
I really just don't like people.
2) If it is clearly "study for finals in the library time," popping your gum for two hours should be reason for me to beat you. Not turning off your cell phone ringer, well, then "grave bodily harm" is justified. Not turning off your cell phone ringer, answering the phone call in the carrels, and proceeding to have a conversation that starts with "I'm in the library" and lasts more than 30 seconds without you leaving the study area where "no cell phones can be used here" is clearly marked, well, you're risking your life. Seriously.
3) DHL can bite my ass.
4) I am conscious hypocrite. (I don't have my cell phone on in the library or snap gum, but I do look down on people for interrupting everyone or being rude, and I do that.) I think that's worse than just being a hypocrite. I must fix this, but I don't know how.
5) The more people I talk to in law school the more I realize there are people here that I like and I should be more social. And they should all stop trying to transfer to other schools.
6) I broke my coffee grinder the day before finals and don't have any ground coffee in my house, you try to tell me that God has no sense of humor.
Now, onto property studies, unless there is something else I need to do...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
What I learned today
This week (4/24-4/30) is Turn-off your TV week. I just learned about it from people who noticed that no one participates who watches TV anyway. I think I figured out why, there are no TV commercials telling us to turn-off the TV for a week. Only commercials telling us how vital this week's TV will be for my viewing pleasure (except the shows that are in rerun even though they never seem to have new episodes -- I'm looking at you Criminal Minds). Obviously, it didn't work on me because I know what the commercials this week are...
Speaking of turn-offs, we're learning about rape this week in criminal law. Well, let's just say that there is a reason why it is so drastically under reported. The process of proving rape is well, awful to the victim at best. The law is "getting better" though. Only two states still hold that a husband can never rape his wife. How modern. I don't know which states, but after I finish my finals I might remember to find out and mention it. Just because I am very irritated. (OH, and in the other 48 states, only 12 have completely abolished spousal immunity.) Trends shunning the old laws requiring resistance (physical and/or verbal) are softening. And "virtually every" state has enacted rape-shield laws that prevent inquiries into a victims past sexual history or reputation for "lack of chastity." Not that defense lawyers haven't try to say that they aren't constitutional laws, but they lose. I am angry and don't want to sit through a class discussion on it unless everyone realizes how damaging this process is to the victim and how wrong the old laws are. One final less "men are the bad guys" oriented comment, recent rape laws are gender-neutral showing that both men and women can be victims and aggressors. This is the right thing to do, especially now that incapacitation of the victim is also grounds for rape.
Ooof, I'm all in a fluster because I get so upset...
Okay, I also learned that feminists try to pass legislation in Minnesota and succeeded in passing legislation in Indiana declaring pornography illegal because it all subjugates women. Any thing that depicts sex, not just the stuff that actually shows women being subjugated, is banned. Well, the US Supreme Court said that's a violation of free speech. I agreed. I can't express why my visceral reaction to the argument about pornography just made me reject it, but it did. I just don't think that porn has that much influence that watching a movie where a woman is subservient to a man will cause all men to treat all women poorly because they're being shown a fantastic world where that happens. Like regular movies, TV shows, role expectation, and other things don't do that enough. Perhaps I am just upset at the focus and attention on porn and not the underlying societal expectations (which I admit are getting better, but in the 1970s when this legislative push was occurring was not as far along as it is).
Perhaps learning this stuff isn't good for me, but well, sometimes it's good to get the blood pumping out of irrational irritation at the "man." Especially if I'm going to be a lawyer and regularly encounter such things in the workplace. Yeah, the law profession is still a little behind the ball even though two woman have sat on the Supreme Court. Some judges may not "appreciate" a woman lawyer wearing a pantsuit in their courtroom. Bollox on them.
Some times when I have a groove going, I throw myself out of it. So long as I don't pull anything when I do it, the world's alright.
Speaking of turn-offs, we're learning about rape this week in criminal law. Well, let's just say that there is a reason why it is so drastically under reported. The process of proving rape is well, awful to the victim at best. The law is "getting better" though. Only two states still hold that a husband can never rape his wife. How modern. I don't know which states, but after I finish my finals I might remember to find out and mention it. Just because I am very irritated. (OH, and in the other 48 states, only 12 have completely abolished spousal immunity.) Trends shunning the old laws requiring resistance (physical and/or verbal) are softening. And "virtually every" state has enacted rape-shield laws that prevent inquiries into a victims past sexual history or reputation for "lack of chastity." Not that defense lawyers haven't try to say that they aren't constitutional laws, but they lose. I am angry and don't want to sit through a class discussion on it unless everyone realizes how damaging this process is to the victim and how wrong the old laws are. One final less "men are the bad guys" oriented comment, recent rape laws are gender-neutral showing that both men and women can be victims and aggressors. This is the right thing to do, especially now that incapacitation of the victim is also grounds for rape.
Ooof, I'm all in a fluster because I get so upset...
Okay, I also learned that feminists try to pass legislation in Minnesota and succeeded in passing legislation in Indiana declaring pornography illegal because it all subjugates women. Any thing that depicts sex, not just the stuff that actually shows women being subjugated, is banned. Well, the US Supreme Court said that's a violation of free speech. I agreed. I can't express why my visceral reaction to the argument about pornography just made me reject it, but it did. I just don't think that porn has that much influence that watching a movie where a woman is subservient to a man will cause all men to treat all women poorly because they're being shown a fantastic world where that happens. Like regular movies, TV shows, role expectation, and other things don't do that enough. Perhaps I am just upset at the focus and attention on porn and not the underlying societal expectations (which I admit are getting better, but in the 1970s when this legislative push was occurring was not as far along as it is).
Perhaps learning this stuff isn't good for me, but well, sometimes it's good to get the blood pumping out of irrational irritation at the "man." Especially if I'm going to be a lawyer and regularly encounter such things in the workplace. Yeah, the law profession is still a little behind the ball even though two woman have sat on the Supreme Court. Some judges may not "appreciate" a woman lawyer wearing a pantsuit in their courtroom. Bollox on them.
Some times when I have a groove going, I throw myself out of it. So long as I don't pull anything when I do it, the world's alright.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Three things to make me think, but not in that challenging way
1) M&M is not the wholesome family candy that I thought it was. I just saw the TV ad about the new M&M's candy bars and well, I was off-put by the way they implied that they arrive. Candy should not get it on. Period.
2) Umm, there was a number two, but I can't remember. Something about a commercial...
3) No matter how bad ass you think you are and no matter how cool rocker your look is, it is woefully overturned by the fact that you're playing the accordian.
That is all.
2) Umm, there was a number two, but I can't remember. Something about a commercial...
3) No matter how bad ass you think you are and no matter how cool rocker your look is, it is woefully overturned by the fact that you're playing the accordian.
That is all.
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