So, I've taken on even more stress intentionally, and I'm pissed off about how other people are handling it. Not the boy, the boy says "Do what you want to because I love and support you.", which is refreshing. Others are saying "We don't think that you've proven yourself capable because we're bitter about things as related to our lives, and we think that you cannot conceive of a way to balance your own life." To them I say "NUTS TO YOU."
I've been all over the place emotionally and rage wise, and I've consistently woken up four hours after I go to bed having similarly frightening dreams about these things that are bothering me. They never end well, and sometimes I don't fall back asleep for an hour. Therefore, I am frustrated and sleep deprived. Someone told me yesterday it was like I have been dunked into the bitter soup and seem to be very mean about very petty things (particularly near strangers at law school). It's true, but I've sort of stopped caring, which bothers me. I used to care a lot, and now I don't. I am therefore declaring myself "bitter cakes" and will work on the recipe.
Random side note, I think I understand where the phrase "Nuts to you" may come from. Apparently really long meals with many courses started with soup and ended with nuts (thus "from soup to nuts"). So perhaps saying "nuts to you" is like saying I'm done with you/this and the meal is over, please leave my parlor.
And, I'm certain that no one is reading this anymore, but if you are, notice how often I've posted for the last few weeks. Aren't you proud?
PS My niece is growing and she is still the cutest in all the land. She's as big as her stuffed pig now!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
Today the TV taught me
So, a commercial told me that there are three types of fiber:
1) Soluble
2) Insoluble
3) Fermenting
What they failed to explain to me is:
a) why fermenting is neither soluble or insoluble
b) why I should care about fermenting fiber
All I know is that I'm guessing "fermenting" will now replace "gassy" in my lexicon, cause I'm guessing that's what they were trying to say. And that amuses me beyond reasonableness, as defined by an objective or subjective standard.
P.S. Discrimination against women based on their role as child-care provider harms women, men, and employers. Ask me how if you care to hear a bunch of B.S. (which is also the abbreviation for Balance Sheet, and that tells you all you need to know about corporate financial reporting). T.V. taught me neither of these things.
1) Soluble
2) Insoluble
3) Fermenting
What they failed to explain to me is:
a) why fermenting is neither soluble or insoluble
b) why I should care about fermenting fiber
All I know is that I'm guessing "fermenting" will now replace "gassy" in my lexicon, cause I'm guessing that's what they were trying to say. And that amuses me beyond reasonableness, as defined by an objective or subjective standard.
P.S. Discrimination against women based on their role as child-care provider harms women, men, and employers. Ask me how if you care to hear a bunch of B.S. (which is also the abbreviation for Balance Sheet, and that tells you all you need to know about corporate financial reporting). T.V. taught me neither of these things.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
How do you politely ask someone to...
... not type on their laptop so loud that it echos throughout the desks and over the Beatles in my headphones?
... stop chewing crunchy items that are so loud I can hear you eating 50 feet away?
... to not be a f***-tard?
I am in one of those places where everything is coming down at once. So, my plan is to not to sleep until 10am. Ohh, poor me, I have to get up a normal hour that the vast majority of people get up at everyday in the real world. But, in all seriousness, I am swamped and frustrated by some lack of support by "partners" in the efforts. Perhaps my control-freak nature has a bad flip side in that way that I do so much that I create an expectation in the other person that they don't need to do anything. Also, some people are worse then me and only seek allies in their desire to be a belabored hard-worker, but in reality, they tied their own noose and I don't care about their complaints, but I need the stuff they're supposed to have done.
And I'm taking a class which is called "Gender in the Law" which could be awesome if a) some classmates would start talking more; b) some classmates would stop talking; or c) the class could be limited to the Professor (on whom I have a major girl crush) and one other student who is awesome (I may also have a girl crush on her, but she and her husband seems okay with that). Right now we're switching from sexual harassment to domestic violence. The reading assignments aren't all that fun. But, I do see how lucky I am to have not been confronted with a lot of these issues (or at least not yet) and even luckier that there are smart people out there writing smart articles which make it obvious for many otherwise stupid people as to why such things are a) more complicated than simple violence/anger; b) why victimization is about asserting power; c) not being addressed in the current law; and d) actually are issues of public policy and not simple private issues that need to be resolved privately.
Okay, enough of my ranting, I must go do stuff for things.
... stop chewing crunchy items that are so loud I can hear you eating 50 feet away?
... to not be a f***-tard?
I am in one of those places where everything is coming down at once. So, my plan is to not to sleep until 10am. Ohh, poor me, I have to get up a normal hour that the vast majority of people get up at everyday in the real world. But, in all seriousness, I am swamped and frustrated by some lack of support by "partners" in the efforts. Perhaps my control-freak nature has a bad flip side in that way that I do so much that I create an expectation in the other person that they don't need to do anything. Also, some people are worse then me and only seek allies in their desire to be a belabored hard-worker, but in reality, they tied their own noose and I don't care about their complaints, but I need the stuff they're supposed to have done.
And I'm taking a class which is called "Gender in the Law" which could be awesome if a) some classmates would start talking more; b) some classmates would stop talking; or c) the class could be limited to the Professor (on whom I have a major girl crush) and one other student who is awesome (I may also have a girl crush on her, but she and her husband seems okay with that). Right now we're switching from sexual harassment to domestic violence. The reading assignments aren't all that fun. But, I do see how lucky I am to have not been confronted with a lot of these issues (or at least not yet) and even luckier that there are smart people out there writing smart articles which make it obvious for many otherwise stupid people as to why such things are a) more complicated than simple violence/anger; b) why victimization is about asserting power; c) not being addressed in the current law; and d) actually are issues of public policy and not simple private issues that need to be resolved privately.
Okay, enough of my ranting, I must go do stuff for things.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
So now I am waiting...
Well, I submitted about 50 applications for clearkships on the 4th. The federal court rules require that the judges wait until the 19th to arrange interviews with anyone who is still currently in school. So, I have heard from NONE...maybe because they didn't want to talk to me like a pirate?
Umm, other than that I am not putting the effort into my classes this semester that I should be. It's a tie between a) laziness, b) part-time scheduling, and c) procrastination as to why I'm not focused, but seeing as I know that why haven't I fixed it?
Oh, and when did co-coordinators of an event lead to one person doing all the work? Not because I want to but out of a sense of obligation to get crap taken care of I'm the one that has to do it. This makes me frustrated both with myself and with the other people who are supposed to be my "team." Also, it inevitably leads to me failing to get some things taken care of, which really really sucks.
Really, I just want to doing nothing all the time and sleeping through most of the day. But that's probably just the allergies talking (they give me a nasty headache all day).
Now I need to snack...
Umm, other than that I am not putting the effort into my classes this semester that I should be. It's a tie between a) laziness, b) part-time scheduling, and c) procrastination as to why I'm not focused, but seeing as I know that why haven't I fixed it?
Oh, and when did co-coordinators of an event lead to one person doing all the work? Not because I want to but out of a sense of obligation to get crap taken care of I'm the one that has to do it. This makes me frustrated both with myself and with the other people who are supposed to be my "team." Also, it inevitably leads to me failing to get some things taken care of, which really really sucks.
Really, I just want to doing nothing all the time and sleeping through most of the day. But that's probably just the allergies talking (they give me a nasty headache all day).
Now I need to snack...
Sunday, September 09, 2007
What do you do...
Okay, so I officially know that I'm not "cool" because I've worked at the library on Friday and Saturday night two out of the last three weekends and I'm excited to be awake in time to watch Meet the Press. So, based on that, I'm gonna get a little "political" here because I want to.
I'm very irritated with a lot of the talk about Iraq right now because the knee jerk reaction of "out now" is not a good policy but continuing down the current path will fix nothing in that area or here at home. First of all, I've never thought being there is a good idea, but it's too late know to change that choice because we've been there for five years (good lord, that's a long time) so arguing about it is pointless. But the debate we should be having, outside of the standard sound bite wars of campaigning, is about how we make the country less un-whole than it currently is.
There are real consequences for pulling out now: if we leave now we show the world what we don't stand for. Regardless of the possibility of terrorists taking hold or the foreign fighters coming into Iraq, if we simply pull all of our troops out instantly we would live a ginormous mess and civil war which we are largely to blame for starting. The message that sends to most other nations are detrimental to our reputation in the international world when there are other missions we declare must be fought -- like if we finally pulled our president's head out of his pooper and determined to stop the genocide in Dafur -- what other nations will follow our lead into those more legitimate actions? Moreover, removing Saddam was never a bad thing, but pulling out now will leave the potential for an equally bloody reign of sectarian rule in the opposite of Saddam's violence. There are people there who need to be protected, and until there is evidence that the powers that be in Iraq understand and agree, we must provide local officials and the armies with the training to help.
However, continuing down the path that we're currently undertaking is not going to ever be effective and only lead the the death of more men and women, both U.S. citizens and Iraqi. Those consequences are unacceptable. However, the path that I think needs to be travelled seems to be impossible. How do you find a political leadership that will protect all Iraqi's rights in an area that is full of people who have had a blood feud for more than a thousand years? That is a question that we can't even answer when the anger is a mere fifty years in development. I have no idea what the answer is to this concern, but it is the question that we should be addressing. The other issue we should be addressing is what the mission our troops should be completing. They cannot be the only protection within the cities, country, and borders, there just aren't enough of them. And, while most of the experts who have reported from Iraq have stated that the Iraqi military is prepared and capable of doing more, the sectarian concerns have bled into the discussion of their effectiveness.
I have no idea what should be done, but what I want is a serious discussion in the public sphere of these issues instead of sound bites and the debate that should have taken place FIVE YEARS AGO.
Now, to totally change the topic, last night I was confronted with the following situation:
I was at work at the library, and a guy who is there daily doing research who insists upon taking to me to much told me he didn't like going to D.C. There are a lot of reasons which I would understand as to why, so I asked him "Why don't you like to go to D.C.?" And his response was "First of all, there are too many black people for me."
HOW THE HELL SHOULD I RESPOND TO THAT? What I did was look away and pretty much stop talking because I had no idea what else to do. While I could rationalize my reaction a number of insufficient ways, I realized that it is because I am completely uncomfortable with confronting such an attitude. I am embarrassed about that.
Other than that, same old, same old.
Go BEARS!
I'm very irritated with a lot of the talk about Iraq right now because the knee jerk reaction of "out now" is not a good policy but continuing down the current path will fix nothing in that area or here at home. First of all, I've never thought being there is a good idea, but it's too late know to change that choice because we've been there for five years (good lord, that's a long time) so arguing about it is pointless. But the debate we should be having, outside of the standard sound bite wars of campaigning, is about how we make the country less un-whole than it currently is.
There are real consequences for pulling out now: if we leave now we show the world what we don't stand for. Regardless of the possibility of terrorists taking hold or the foreign fighters coming into Iraq, if we simply pull all of our troops out instantly we would live a ginormous mess and civil war which we are largely to blame for starting. The message that sends to most other nations are detrimental to our reputation in the international world when there are other missions we declare must be fought -- like if we finally pulled our president's head out of his pooper and determined to stop the genocide in Dafur -- what other nations will follow our lead into those more legitimate actions? Moreover, removing Saddam was never a bad thing, but pulling out now will leave the potential for an equally bloody reign of sectarian rule in the opposite of Saddam's violence. There are people there who need to be protected, and until there is evidence that the powers that be in Iraq understand and agree, we must provide local officials and the armies with the training to help.
However, continuing down the path that we're currently undertaking is not going to ever be effective and only lead the the death of more men and women, both U.S. citizens and Iraqi. Those consequences are unacceptable. However, the path that I think needs to be travelled seems to be impossible. How do you find a political leadership that will protect all Iraqi's rights in an area that is full of people who have had a blood feud for more than a thousand years? That is a question that we can't even answer when the anger is a mere fifty years in development. I have no idea what the answer is to this concern, but it is the question that we should be addressing. The other issue we should be addressing is what the mission our troops should be completing. They cannot be the only protection within the cities, country, and borders, there just aren't enough of them. And, while most of the experts who have reported from Iraq have stated that the Iraqi military is prepared and capable of doing more, the sectarian concerns have bled into the discussion of their effectiveness.
I have no idea what should be done, but what I want is a serious discussion in the public sphere of these issues instead of sound bites and the debate that should have taken place FIVE YEARS AGO.
Now, to totally change the topic, last night I was confronted with the following situation:
I was at work at the library, and a guy who is there daily doing research who insists upon taking to me to much told me he didn't like going to D.C. There are a lot of reasons which I would understand as to why, so I asked him "Why don't you like to go to D.C.?" And his response was "First of all, there are too many black people for me."
HOW THE HELL SHOULD I RESPOND TO THAT? What I did was look away and pretty much stop talking because I had no idea what else to do. While I could rationalize my reaction a number of insufficient ways, I realized that it is because I am completely uncomfortable with confronting such an attitude. I am embarrassed about that.
Other than that, same old, same old.
Go BEARS!
Monday, August 27, 2007
So thin, my time that is
So, I have definitely spread myself too thin. I am not surprised that I have done this (it's been a constant theme in law school), but I am shocked by how quickly I've realized it this semester. Based on my yearly plan to improve my time management skills, I am constantly updating my calendar and to do list as I realize what all I need to get finished, only to realize that I spend as much time writing down what I need to accomplish as accomplishing it. That is not good time management. If anyone has suggestions, I'm open to them.
Right now, I'm procrastinating the writing of my cover letters for my judicial applications. They all must be accomplished by September 4. I have finished 0 of 70. That is not a good ratio. Also, the career services people seem to be not helpful because they're moving offices again. They got booted from their space in the middle of the summer and didn't get to move back in until last week making them hard to get a hold of and not as responsive as they want to be. I don't like it at all.
Never mind the fact that my parents are coming to visit this weekend, so I won't have as much time to work on my applications as I originally hoped. Stupid not getting things done...
School has started. I've been in class for a week. Somehow I managed to get myself a schedule where I only have Thursday off, but I have to come to school for office hours anyway. How on earth did I manage that while I'm only going part time? Still, it should be a good semester. One paper (30+ pages on gender and the law -- can we say "Erin will be more disgruntled with the man this semester"?); one "trial" (it's a mock trial and the course is a pass/fail class); and two finals (one open book, one closed book). That sound reasonable. Now if only I could sit down and figure out what I want to write my paper on...
I'm also dog sitting this week for a dog who cannot hear. It's strange because I'm in someone else house and no one else is there. Normally, I would talk to the dog, but I feel weird doing that since I know she can't hear me. Also, in order to get her attention, I have to put my hand in front of her nose and then start petting her. It makes me sad because I like this dog and it means she's getting very old.
As for my niece, she is the tiniest little thing and she is still struggling to gain wait. I will post a picture when I take the time to download them from my camera (can you say "Lazy"?). My sister is one of the strongest people I know and is struggling to be okay with all of this. She seems to think that because the baby isn't breast feeding well, she is a failure as a mom, especially if she decides quits trying to breast feed. I think that she is a great mom and I am sad that she doubts herself. However, I have not been in her shoes so I don't know how to tell her that she is doing great without sounding patronizing.
On a lighter note, my mom says my niece looks like me, but mostly because she's a gassy baby who squishes up her face to fart, which apparently I did a lot as a baby, too. Aren't you glad you know that about me now?
So, the real question is, does anyone read this half-arsed attempt at blogging?
Sometimes, when I'm drifting into a daydream I start thinking about the cartoon version of Alice in Wonderland and wonder why that movie didn't unsettle me as much as Dumbo (pink elephants on parade scene) or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (through the LSD tunnel scene -- original "Gene Wilder on cocaine" version) did when I was a kid.
Later.
Right now, I'm procrastinating the writing of my cover letters for my judicial applications. They all must be accomplished by September 4. I have finished 0 of 70. That is not a good ratio. Also, the career services people seem to be not helpful because they're moving offices again. They got booted from their space in the middle of the summer and didn't get to move back in until last week making them hard to get a hold of and not as responsive as they want to be. I don't like it at all.
Never mind the fact that my parents are coming to visit this weekend, so I won't have as much time to work on my applications as I originally hoped. Stupid not getting things done...
School has started. I've been in class for a week. Somehow I managed to get myself a schedule where I only have Thursday off, but I have to come to school for office hours anyway. How on earth did I manage that while I'm only going part time? Still, it should be a good semester. One paper (30+ pages on gender and the law -- can we say "Erin will be more disgruntled with the man this semester"?); one "trial" (it's a mock trial and the course is a pass/fail class); and two finals (one open book, one closed book). That sound reasonable. Now if only I could sit down and figure out what I want to write my paper on...
I'm also dog sitting this week for a dog who cannot hear. It's strange because I'm in someone else house and no one else is there. Normally, I would talk to the dog, but I feel weird doing that since I know she can't hear me. Also, in order to get her attention, I have to put my hand in front of her nose and then start petting her. It makes me sad because I like this dog and it means she's getting very old.
As for my niece, she is the tiniest little thing and she is still struggling to gain wait. I will post a picture when I take the time to download them from my camera (can you say "Lazy"?). My sister is one of the strongest people I know and is struggling to be okay with all of this. She seems to think that because the baby isn't breast feeding well, she is a failure as a mom, especially if she decides quits trying to breast feed. I think that she is a great mom and I am sad that she doubts herself. However, I have not been in her shoes so I don't know how to tell her that she is doing great without sounding patronizing.
On a lighter note, my mom says my niece looks like me, but mostly because she's a gassy baby who squishes up her face to fart, which apparently I did a lot as a baby, too. Aren't you glad you know that about me now?
So, the real question is, does anyone read this half-arsed attempt at blogging?
Sometimes, when I'm drifting into a daydream I start thinking about the cartoon version of Alice in Wonderland and wonder why that movie didn't unsettle me as much as Dumbo (pink elephants on parade scene) or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (through the LSD tunnel scene -- original "Gene Wilder on cocaine" version) did when I was a kid.
Later.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Not dead, but laptop was
Okay, so first of all, I want to say, I'm am sorry that I haven't updated in two months, but my computer and it's manufacturer made it impossible to use it or fix the problems the first time. So, in honor of that here is a list of things that I really don't like right now:
1. Websites that say a certain part works for your stuff, but it doesn't and could ruin it instead
2. The fact that I still purchase things from those websites
3. Drivers who leave their blinker on and drive that way
4. Drivers who think that a blinker on for half a blink is sufficient notice to "merge" in front of me
5. Vapid "reality" tv people
6. The fact that I find people who qualify for #5 addictive to watch
7. Drivers who drive 60 mph when the speed limit is 65 mph for NO REASON (sometimes even when they do it for a reason)
8. My time management skills
9. Parking spaces marked "compact" which aren't, they're smaller
10. People in SUVs who park in "compact"
So, here's the super skinny:
I got glasses because I can't see things at distances (but it's not too bad, but it helps).
I have sold out and I love what I am doing this summer.
I got in a car accident at 5 mph and the lady called my insurance to "fix" her car and then, after she got an estimate, her insurance company said it was too small a claim to deal with (HAHAHA).
My sister had a baby girl who is in the hospital because she is too small and needs to learn to eat before she can leave the hospital. I have only seen pictures of her, but she is cute as pie (but I'm not biased at all). I am going to visit her and her family in early August. I am constantly thinking about her.
I am working toward applying for a judicial clerkship for post graduation.
I have stretched myself too thin for the summer and for next school year. Neither of those things are all that surprising to me.
I have had a headache for three days.
I have not finished Harry Potter book seven yet, but the fifth movie was awesome.
Love to you all. I'll try to update more when I can.
Mystery & Jeopardy are the best TV shows on TV.
1. Websites that say a certain part works for your stuff, but it doesn't and could ruin it instead
2. The fact that I still purchase things from those websites
3. Drivers who leave their blinker on and drive that way
4. Drivers who think that a blinker on for half a blink is sufficient notice to "merge" in front of me
5. Vapid "reality" tv people
6. The fact that I find people who qualify for #5 addictive to watch
7. Drivers who drive 60 mph when the speed limit is 65 mph for NO REASON (sometimes even when they do it for a reason)
8. My time management skills
9. Parking spaces marked "compact" which aren't, they're smaller
10. People in SUVs who park in "compact"
So, here's the super skinny:
I got glasses because I can't see things at distances (but it's not too bad, but it helps).
I have sold out and I love what I am doing this summer.
I got in a car accident at 5 mph and the lady called my insurance to "fix" her car and then, after she got an estimate, her insurance company said it was too small a claim to deal with (HAHAHA).
My sister had a baby girl who is in the hospital because she is too small and needs to learn to eat before she can leave the hospital. I have only seen pictures of her, but she is cute as pie (but I'm not biased at all). I am going to visit her and her family in early August. I am constantly thinking about her.
I am working toward applying for a judicial clerkship for post graduation.
I have stretched myself too thin for the summer and for next school year. Neither of those things are all that surprising to me.
I have had a headache for three days.
I have not finished Harry Potter book seven yet, but the fifth movie was awesome.
Love to you all. I'll try to update more when I can.
Mystery & Jeopardy are the best TV shows on TV.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Done with finals...
So, four finals in 8 days. None of them seemed like I particularly did great. I realized I left out a major issue on one, but five days later. Not the best feeling in the world. I don't think that I flunked anything, but I really don't know if I did great on anything either. I really wanted to do well on one or two, just so I felt good about this semester, but I didn't and that annoys me.
Now, I am driving home so that I can get the car's license renewed. In honor of that I had Dusty washed. She was dirty within hours. All I did was park her in her assigned space under the roof. So, of course she got dirty. I have to drive her home because I have to get an air quality test done, and that means the car needs to be there. Since I don't get to take any vacation during the 10 weeks I'm working this summer, I need to do it in the week long break I get. Fortunately, the boy is coming with me and will probably do most the driving. I love driving, but I don't get to look around when I do it. Hopefully, I will have a chance to take some photos along the way and enjoy the drive in at least one direction.
But, I do have to come back before my sister and her husband flies in. I am excited that she's coming because it's the first time she's been able to come to SD since I moved here, and I get to see her when she's more visibly preggers. It is very exciting to me.
I am glad that school is done because I'm getting a little burnt out, but part of me feels like I could stay in school for a long time. We will see, because I got a ton of loans to repay now. Still, I don't know what I would want to focus on academically, so I need to figure all that out first. It's weird thinking about my future and being so unsure about what I want.
My toenails hurt because my cleats are too tights with my inserts.
Now, I am driving home so that I can get the car's license renewed. In honor of that I had Dusty washed. She was dirty within hours. All I did was park her in her assigned space under the roof. So, of course she got dirty. I have to drive her home because I have to get an air quality test done, and that means the car needs to be there. Since I don't get to take any vacation during the 10 weeks I'm working this summer, I need to do it in the week long break I get. Fortunately, the boy is coming with me and will probably do most the driving. I love driving, but I don't get to look around when I do it. Hopefully, I will have a chance to take some photos along the way and enjoy the drive in at least one direction.
But, I do have to come back before my sister and her husband flies in. I am excited that she's coming because it's the first time she's been able to come to SD since I moved here, and I get to see her when she's more visibly preggers. It is very exciting to me.
I am glad that school is done because I'm getting a little burnt out, but part of me feels like I could stay in school for a long time. We will see, because I got a ton of loans to repay now. Still, I don't know what I would want to focus on academically, so I need to figure all that out first. It's weird thinking about my future and being so unsure about what I want.
My toenails hurt because my cleats are too tights with my inserts.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
What I'm doing instead of studying or writing anyone back
Okay, so I'm gonna start with this question: do any of you out there in blogger land know how I want to be proposed to? Yesterday, as we were driving to soccer, the boy asked me if I had any friends that would know how I wanted to be proposed to. I answered no, because I don't think that I have a conception of the whole process. All I know is that I think (for goodness knows what archaic reason) that I want him to ask my dad first. I think he was really just testing the waters to see if all of my jokes about him marrying me lately were really a sign that the concept of marriage does not really send me into a minor panic attack any more. (It does, but a lot less and I can hide it better then I used to.)
So, today, while I'm sitting in the library with nothing but a week and a half until finals, I am surfing the internet to look at wedding venues. Now, don't get all a-twitter, I am not actually engaged, nor has a proposal been made, nor do I expect that I'll be near tying that knot soon, but for some reason it seemed like a relatively okay thing to do. I think it has something to do with the time of year and the increasing number of conversations that turn to the weddings that people need to attend/plan over the summer, but really, why would I google it? Oh, wait I know, because the wiki-how link for today was how to find a wedding dress which I clicked on because the whole process is one for which I have no real idea as to its inner-workings. So, the internet is why I will fail two of my four classes. I'm sure that I'll find a reason for the other two, but it will probably have more to do with the 15 shows that are on the DVR at home. (I don't have the fancy name-brand Tivo, but when it works the DVR is just fine.)
I am also listening to my music collection by artist and I realized that there are a lot of songs that make me cry (or at least tear up) no matter when or where I hear them. It's more of a problem when I'm sitting here looking at random things on the internet in the middle of a public library where other people tend to sneak up behind me and I'm near tears. But I have to say that Harry Chapin tells some of the most tragic simple stories that break my heart every time I hear them, so the tears in my eyes are reasonable. He had such a direct tap on the vein of human-ness that it's strikingly sad when he touches on the offhanded crap that life dishes out and we dish to ourselves that cut us to the quick. On the other hand, he also had an ability to explain love in a real and wonderful way that you hope that when you're old, you feel the way his songs express. If you haven't heard anything from him (which you have because he wrote "Cats in the Cradle"), and you like storytellers with simple music, I really suggest you look him up. Or maybe I can send you some tracks from his "Greatest Stories" album, which would help me procrastinate more.
I have also been really cranky with people lately. Since about spring break as a matter of fact. It just gets worse the more I have to deal with people on a regular basis. I just think that some people should be told to shut up more often because they should STOP TALKING for a little while so the rest of us can relax. They aren't helping anyone and aren't the only ones with ideas which are relevant. Also, learning to park your big fat SUV that cost more than my tuition (which is obscene, by the way) should be a requirement to get into USD, but it clearly isn't. That's why when I tapped your car when I pulled in I didn't leave a note (also the fact that I did no damage and the mark wiped off).
On a final note, after nearly two years of driving my fabulous contour around, I have named her. She shall be known as Dusty. This in not just because I never wash her (even when I do wash her she's dusty within hours). It also comes from her slightly alternative approach to looks and defrosting the front windshield. She's also reliable and fun to be in, so Dusty just seemed right...I'd share pictures, but well, that takes planning to have a camera with me, which I never do.
Okay, I really need to do SOMETHING before the end of my time in the library...I'm sure the internet will provide you with further entertainment elsewhere. I'll probably give you an update post finals, but you never know with me.
Nubbins is just plain fun to say.
So, today, while I'm sitting in the library with nothing but a week and a half until finals, I am surfing the internet to look at wedding venues. Now, don't get all a-twitter, I am not actually engaged, nor has a proposal been made, nor do I expect that I'll be near tying that knot soon, but for some reason it seemed like a relatively okay thing to do. I think it has something to do with the time of year and the increasing number of conversations that turn to the weddings that people need to attend/plan over the summer, but really, why would I google it? Oh, wait I know, because the wiki-how link for today was how to find a wedding dress which I clicked on because the whole process is one for which I have no real idea as to its inner-workings. So, the internet is why I will fail two of my four classes. I'm sure that I'll find a reason for the other two, but it will probably have more to do with the 15 shows that are on the DVR at home. (I don't have the fancy name-brand Tivo, but when it works the DVR is just fine.)
I am also listening to my music collection by artist and I realized that there are a lot of songs that make me cry (or at least tear up) no matter when or where I hear them. It's more of a problem when I'm sitting here looking at random things on the internet in the middle of a public library where other people tend to sneak up behind me and I'm near tears. But I have to say that Harry Chapin tells some of the most tragic simple stories that break my heart every time I hear them, so the tears in my eyes are reasonable. He had such a direct tap on the vein of human-ness that it's strikingly sad when he touches on the offhanded crap that life dishes out and we dish to ourselves that cut us to the quick. On the other hand, he also had an ability to explain love in a real and wonderful way that you hope that when you're old, you feel the way his songs express. If you haven't heard anything from him (which you have because he wrote "Cats in the Cradle"), and you like storytellers with simple music, I really suggest you look him up. Or maybe I can send you some tracks from his "Greatest Stories" album, which would help me procrastinate more.
I have also been really cranky with people lately. Since about spring break as a matter of fact. It just gets worse the more I have to deal with people on a regular basis. I just think that some people should be told to shut up more often because they should STOP TALKING for a little while so the rest of us can relax. They aren't helping anyone and aren't the only ones with ideas which are relevant. Also, learning to park your big fat SUV that cost more than my tuition (which is obscene, by the way) should be a requirement to get into USD, but it clearly isn't. That's why when I tapped your car when I pulled in I didn't leave a note (also the fact that I did no damage and the mark wiped off).
On a final note, after nearly two years of driving my fabulous contour around, I have named her. She shall be known as Dusty. This in not just because I never wash her (even when I do wash her she's dusty within hours). It also comes from her slightly alternative approach to looks and defrosting the front windshield. She's also reliable and fun to be in, so Dusty just seemed right...I'd share pictures, but well, that takes planning to have a camera with me, which I never do.
Okay, I really need to do SOMETHING before the end of my time in the library...I'm sure the internet will provide you with further entertainment elsewhere. I'll probably give you an update post finals, but you never know with me.
Nubbins is just plain fun to say.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Avoiding the real work
So, one of the bigger projects for the spring semester is over and done with, and the banquet was last night. It was a "moot court competition" which is a bunch of not yet lawyers write an appellate brief and then make oral arguments in a appellate court setting. It is strangely fun to do and I think that its work that I would enjoy doing when I am a real lawyer.
Now, I have the biggest paper due on Monday at 5pm, and I am not working on it because I am afraid and bored.
But, I'm alive.
That is all.
Now, I have the biggest paper due on Monday at 5pm, and I am not working on it because I am afraid and bored.
But, I'm alive.
That is all.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Groundhog's Day
So, in honor of this long overlooked holiday (and a day late) I thought that I would try to stick my head out of my hole to determine what the future is. Turns out I'm not psychic. Instead, I can only give you the recent past...
My parents met the boy's parents. I think it went well, but I don't see a bond like my parents have with my sister's husbands parents. Which is very much what I suspected, and I really think that I'm okay with that.
Seeing as the parents met, it would make sense that one set traveled near the the other, which is, in fact what happened. My parents came to Santa Monica where my dad was for a conference. It's about 20 minutes north of LA. So, while my dad was at the conference, the boy and I took my mom and spent the day at the Getty Museum . Wow. I got through four exhibits, of the about 30 that they have. Two were on photography in the US. I developed a deeper taste for this art and think there are some peoples stuff that I would like to see more of including: Mitch Epstein, Sheron Rupp, and Donald Blumberg (to name but a few). Additionally, they had an exhibit about art from Dresden, which lead me to discover a new artist that I would like to see more of: Gerhard Richter.
I also saw someone famous at the museum (I am fairly sure), but I didn't say anything to him because I was looking for Rembrandt and well, I'm sure that the actor was there for something other than adoration (or at least pointing and signature asking). He was a lot skinner in person than he looks on TV, and scruffier.
School is sucking my time down the drain and my grades last semester were not what I wanted them to be, but only in one class really. But it was the 4 credit class, so it weighs more heavily. Of course. I sort of knew it was coming, though, I was just hoping for better. This semester is a lot of work and I constantly feel about a step behind. The problem with that is that instead of catching up, I know I'm just going to slowly slip further behind. Stupid stuff to do...
And my fingers smell like garlic.
My parents met the boy's parents. I think it went well, but I don't see a bond like my parents have with my sister's husbands parents. Which is very much what I suspected, and I really think that I'm okay with that.
Seeing as the parents met, it would make sense that one set traveled near the the other, which is, in fact what happened. My parents came to Santa Monica where my dad was for a conference. It's about 20 minutes north of LA. So, while my dad was at the conference, the boy and I took my mom and spent the day at the Getty Museum . Wow. I got through four exhibits, of the about 30 that they have. Two were on photography in the US. I developed a deeper taste for this art and think there are some peoples stuff that I would like to see more of including: Mitch Epstein, Sheron Rupp, and Donald Blumberg (to name but a few). Additionally, they had an exhibit about art from Dresden, which lead me to discover a new artist that I would like to see more of: Gerhard Richter.
I also saw someone famous at the museum (I am fairly sure), but I didn't say anything to him because I was looking for Rembrandt and well, I'm sure that the actor was there for something other than adoration (or at least pointing and signature asking). He was a lot skinner in person than he looks on TV, and scruffier.
School is sucking my time down the drain and my grades last semester were not what I wanted them to be, but only in one class really. But it was the 4 credit class, so it weighs more heavily. Of course. I sort of knew it was coming, though, I was just hoping for better. This semester is a lot of work and I constantly feel about a step behind. The problem with that is that instead of catching up, I know I'm just going to slowly slip further behind. Stupid stuff to do...
And my fingers smell like garlic.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Procrastination
So, really I should be writing part of the 40 page paper that I need to have a full draft of done by Monday, but I don't wanna. I thought what better use of my time then to update my blog. I don't really have anything to say, but I thought that I'd check in with whoever is left reading this.
To the update-mobile!
Classes have started for real. I have yet to fall behind on the day-to-day readings, which really shouldn't be that much of an accomplishment as I have only had five days of classes, but I am me and I do get behind on occassion. I just fake it real good when I need to look on top of the world.
My grades were due to be turned in by professors by today. As of 5:30 pm I had no grades. Most people have one or two, and some have all, of their grades by now and I have none. I am concerned and totally obsessed. A good student this does not make...I am also paranoid that something happened and my grades did not come through and I'll have gone through an entire semester of school and not get any credit for that. How's that for paranoia.
My parents are coming to southern California this weekend, which is kind of inconvient because of the paper, but I am glad that I get to see them sooner rather than later. There is also the possibility that my parents will meet the boys parents, but nothing is solidified for that, so we shall see. It is a big step in my mind becuase my parents have never met a boy's parents while I was dating said boy. Largely because my dad believes there is a time for such things and one had not been reached by me until now. That's scary to me. However, I have never lived with a boy before either and that seems to be okay except for the burden sharing of chores and payment. I do one, he does the other. It seems unbalanced, but I can only expect sharing on one half because I am still in school.
I had a really great two hour conversation with the professor I TA for about what she wants to do with her life and what she did before she became a professor. It was really cool because I had never talked to her like that before, even though she took me to a San Diego Chargers football game. It's somehow comforting to know that even people who are much older than me are still trying to figure out what to do next. Oh, and it is helpful to remember that professors are real people who sometimes do stupid things too.
And GO BEARS!
To the update-mobile!
Classes have started for real. I have yet to fall behind on the day-to-day readings, which really shouldn't be that much of an accomplishment as I have only had five days of classes, but I am me and I do get behind on occassion. I just fake it real good when I need to look on top of the world.
My grades were due to be turned in by professors by today. As of 5:30 pm I had no grades. Most people have one or two, and some have all, of their grades by now and I have none. I am concerned and totally obsessed. A good student this does not make...I am also paranoid that something happened and my grades did not come through and I'll have gone through an entire semester of school and not get any credit for that. How's that for paranoia.
My parents are coming to southern California this weekend, which is kind of inconvient because of the paper, but I am glad that I get to see them sooner rather than later. There is also the possibility that my parents will meet the boys parents, but nothing is solidified for that, so we shall see. It is a big step in my mind becuase my parents have never met a boy's parents while I was dating said boy. Largely because my dad believes there is a time for such things and one had not been reached by me until now. That's scary to me. However, I have never lived with a boy before either and that seems to be okay except for the burden sharing of chores and payment. I do one, he does the other. It seems unbalanced, but I can only expect sharing on one half because I am still in school.
I had a really great two hour conversation with the professor I TA for about what she wants to do with her life and what she did before she became a professor. It was really cool because I had never talked to her like that before, even though she took me to a San Diego Chargers football game. It's somehow comforting to know that even people who are much older than me are still trying to figure out what to do next. Oh, and it is helpful to remember that professors are real people who sometimes do stupid things too.
And GO BEARS!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
January Part 1
So, I spent my New Years Eve in sweatpants playing a videogame with the boy. Not my usual stellar performance but I enjoyed it a lot. I did talk to a few people, mostly family, as the new years washed across the states each in their appropriate time zone. Some were sober, some were not. It was good to hear each of their voices for a lot of different reasons. However, I did get a little sad that I didn't get to spend the night with my friends or family (not that I didn't love spending the time with the boy, but you know what I mean). I have said (probably more often than necessary) that I think that New Years Eve is the holiday you spend with whomever you choose. Most people spend Thanksgiving and the winter holiday of their persuasion with family if it is possible, but New Years is not so much a family tradition but an excuse for everyone to hang out with people that they love who don't know what you looked like when you were zero years old, if that's what they want. Over the last two years, I have not really gotten a choice in where I was. This year I could have gone out (if I was made of money), but hanging out with drunken strangers is not my idea of a fun New Years Eve. I get very sad for the many friends that I have and rarely see over this period.
Not that I write or call any of you, but I do miss you none the less.
About a week later I went home to visit my parents. I had an awesome time because my parents love and adore me and ply me with more wine than is recommended by so-called doctors. I seriously drank more with my parents than I had over the entire semester. I don't know what that says about my drinking during the semester or what that says about my time with my family. But, it wasn't like we were drinking for the purpose of drinking -- it was before/with/after dinner drinks of wine which makes it okay. I did get to see some friends who have know me since my awkward teen years (lord help me and them) and saw the possibility that we are growing up into adults. How scary is that?
I also got into an argument about whiskey with the youngest son of the friends of the family who I could have sworn is 12, but is apparently working on graduating from college/getting his masters simulataneously and is of legal drinking age which some how nearly warped into a debate (in a very long and winding 6 person discussion) about welfare. I babysat that kid -- how is he old enough to be an adult?
Overall it was a great time home and for the first time I could actually envision myself moving there someday sooner rather than later. I felt a very real sense of depression as I flew away, which I had not gotten in a really long time. I don't know if that means that I am not really happy here in San Diego or if in my burgeoning maturity I wish to be nearer my parents or if my sense of not having a network of friends here in San Diego took over or if there is something else I don't get going on.
I do know that I was really sad that I did not have a friends to go out with when I got back that isn't the boy. Sometimes I want to talk about the boy to someone, but I don't really have the feeling that there is anyone here who would get it.
Now, school has started today and I have a ton of poop on my plate, so if you don't hear from me until May, I'm probably not dead, just on the verge of a psychotic break.
PS Golden Globes is the bestests!
Not that I write or call any of you, but I do miss you none the less.
About a week later I went home to visit my parents. I had an awesome time because my parents love and adore me and ply me with more wine than is recommended by so-called doctors. I seriously drank more with my parents than I had over the entire semester. I don't know what that says about my drinking during the semester or what that says about my time with my family. But, it wasn't like we were drinking for the purpose of drinking -- it was before/with/after dinner drinks of wine which makes it okay. I did get to see some friends who have know me since my awkward teen years (lord help me and them) and saw the possibility that we are growing up into adults. How scary is that?
I also got into an argument about whiskey with the youngest son of the friends of the family who I could have sworn is 12, but is apparently working on graduating from college/getting his masters simulataneously and is of legal drinking age which some how nearly warped into a debate (in a very long and winding 6 person discussion) about welfare. I babysat that kid -- how is he old enough to be an adult?
Overall it was a great time home and for the first time I could actually envision myself moving there someday sooner rather than later. I felt a very real sense of depression as I flew away, which I had not gotten in a really long time. I don't know if that means that I am not really happy here in San Diego or if in my burgeoning maturity I wish to be nearer my parents or if my sense of not having a network of friends here in San Diego took over or if there is something else I don't get going on.
I do know that I was really sad that I did not have a friends to go out with when I got back that isn't the boy. Sometimes I want to talk about the boy to someone, but I don't really have the feeling that there is anyone here who would get it.
Now, school has started today and I have a ton of poop on my plate, so if you don't hear from me until May, I'm probably not dead, just on the verge of a psychotic break.
PS Golden Globes is the bestests!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tidings of Comfort and Joy
So, this was the first year I spent Christmas away from my family. I was very sad not to spend Christmas with my family because it is my favorite time of year because of the craziness that ensues when the holidays role around. The part that was hardest is that my sister had my parents come to her house and so they all got to be together without me there. And, it was of course the year that my sister decided to get herself in the family way and announce it on Christmas Eve to my parents, her inlaws and her sister in law. So, everyone but me. Since it was Christmas Eve, I was with the boy and his family celebrating with them and did not get the news till the next day after everyone else found out, including most of the extended family (biological or otherwise). So, I'm going to be an aunt in less than a year. Woo hoo go me! Oh wait, I don't have to do anything!
Spending Christmas with the boys family was okay. There is a lot of in-family bickering which I guess is standard for families, but it's different for me because we do not spend a lot time with extended family. I suppose my sister and I have our moments, but it seems really different. I suppose that is in part because we are still relatively young and we don't have actually important things to bicker about. Normally we just know what things to say to irritate each other, but maybe after many yhears she and I will be bickering more and more. I should work to make that not happen. Perhap finding my zen place would help. Now if only I would take the time to get a zen place.
Something that I have done for myself is get a job for the summer. I am going to be working at a big law firm here in San Diego, which is awesome for me and happened because some very awesome professors helped me out. It also means that I have sold out, and, to be honest, I am very excited about it. It's still far away, but it is also nerve wracking because all the questions of "can I do this" and "am I going to be over my head" and "what am I thinking" are running around my head. As soon as school starts up again then I am certain that those will dissipate to be drown out by the amount of work that I think I'm going to have next semester. Stupid brain signing up for so many classes....
Now I really must start working on a paper because I'm just that much of a procrastinator. But you knew that.
Kleenex, tissue for the gods...
Spending Christmas with the boys family was okay. There is a lot of in-family bickering which I guess is standard for families, but it's different for me because we do not spend a lot time with extended family. I suppose my sister and I have our moments, but it seems really different. I suppose that is in part because we are still relatively young and we don't have actually important things to bicker about. Normally we just know what things to say to irritate each other, but maybe after many yhears she and I will be bickering more and more. I should work to make that not happen. Perhap finding my zen place would help. Now if only I would take the time to get a zen place.
Something that I have done for myself is get a job for the summer. I am going to be working at a big law firm here in San Diego, which is awesome for me and happened because some very awesome professors helped me out. It also means that I have sold out, and, to be honest, I am very excited about it. It's still far away, but it is also nerve wracking because all the questions of "can I do this" and "am I going to be over my head" and "what am I thinking" are running around my head. As soon as school starts up again then I am certain that those will dissipate to be drown out by the amount of work that I think I'm going to have next semester. Stupid brain signing up for so many classes....
Now I really must start working on a paper because I'm just that much of a procrastinator. But you knew that.
Kleenex, tissue for the gods...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Hopefully still counting
I have one more final left, then maybe a post will appear. Until such time, may I suggest clicking on the following link to raise money for abolishing AIDS. All you need to do is go to the site and light the candle by clicking. Then a pharmacuetical company will provide another dollar.
https://www.lighttounite.org/
Love to you all!
https://www.lighttounite.org/
Love to you all!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
It's my birthday
So, in honor of the big day, and the last year spent in my 20's I am spending the day, and most of the night in the libarary working on papers.
My life is awesome.
At least I'm not old and cranky. Well, I'm not old anyway.
Cannons should explode in classical music more often. (FYI My computer's thesaurus's recommendation for synonyms for cannon were gun, big gun, field gun, and mortar.)
My life is awesome.
At least I'm not old and cranky. Well, I'm not old anyway.
Cannons should explode in classical music more often. (FYI My computer's thesaurus's recommendation for synonyms for cannon were gun, big gun, field gun, and mortar.)
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I wanna be a burnout
Oh, wait, I meant I am burnt out. I don't know why, it's not like I've done that much this semester, I just have an overwhelming sense of apathy. That's not good considering the mountain of work that looms in my sights...
Things seem to be moving peculiarly slowly. Everything is sort of going about at its own pace and plodding along, and I seem to be statisfied with sitting around watching the whole thing happening as opposed to getting involved in my own life. It's a very surreal experience of failing to be invested in what is going on. Much of it is so dependant on the fact that I am just very anxious about the whole job search process. I think that once I know what I am going to be doing (0r if I need to keep working on it, at least) I will be ready to jump into the whole "school" thing more. It's as if being in limbo in one part of my life I feel the need to be in limbo in all of it. That's not so helpful.
I really didn't have much to say, but I wanted you all to know that I am alive and still spending time on the internet while I should be studying.
When will I be less bitter and more smooth....
Things seem to be moving peculiarly slowly. Everything is sort of going about at its own pace and plodding along, and I seem to be statisfied with sitting around watching the whole thing happening as opposed to getting involved in my own life. It's a very surreal experience of failing to be invested in what is going on. Much of it is so dependant on the fact that I am just very anxious about the whole job search process. I think that once I know what I am going to be doing (0r if I need to keep working on it, at least) I will be ready to jump into the whole "school" thing more. It's as if being in limbo in one part of my life I feel the need to be in limbo in all of it. That's not so helpful.
I really didn't have much to say, but I wanted you all to know that I am alive and still spending time on the internet while I should be studying.
When will I be less bitter and more smooth....
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Unsuppressing
So, on Monday, there was this overexploited anniversary that I got tired of hearing about by the Thursday prior. It's been five years since some people decided to take a truly nasty swipe at what they percieve is wrong with the world -- the US and it's capitalism. I did not realize how mixed my emotions were about that time and the anniversary of that moment until everytime they played yet another heart wrenching moment of "what life would be like if only my (insert personal relation/spouse/unknown parent) had not died that day" I began to cry. I am about to use this space to attempt some catharsis about that day, so feel free to ignore it or change the channel, or whatever you need to do.
To begin with, I watched, live, as both planes hit the WTC towers when I came into my everyday life of work. I was waiting for a coworker to arrive so we could get coffee. I honestly cannot remember if we ever got it. However, it was not going to be an everyday day, and for a long time afterwards it wasn't going to be normal.
After watching the towers get hit, and thinking how badly the air traffic controllers had f-ed up, I did not turn off theTV and instead watched as a reporter was giving an update from the Pentagon when there were muted explosions, not just on TV but in the real world as well. Soon, it was obvious that the Pentagon had been hit as well. Various reports claimed five to ten flights that were still flying but their locations were unknown. Speculation ran rampent as to what other targets were left to be attacked and how much chaos was going on in the city of DC.
Working on Capitol Hill I was both very close to an expected target, yet not really that near danger. I did not work in the Capitol Building, nor did I, at that time, go over there often. But, I still felt like I was a target, because I worked for the government. The response of my office left a lot to be desired, but that's a different rant that I have since dealt, and no one really knew if we should even leave the building. After sitting on pins and needles glued to the television reports of chaos, riots, and attacks in the subway, one alert staffer noticed that a line on the front desk phone that never rang before was ringing. It was settled by the Capitol Police, we were to get the f- out the building. What in my mind was hours of watching the news and trying in multiple calls to calm my mother down, who had awoken to the news that I might be under a terrorist attack, we were told that we were still at risk and we should leave. It was less then an hour, in reality.
As we evacuated, in a calm and orderly fashion, as we were one of the few offices that had not left yet, it was eeriely quiet on the street. However, there were still signs of an unaltered life out there. As were were walking to a coworker's apartment, a FedEx truck was making deliveries. The driver allowed the rolling rear door to slam shut with a bang, and that's when I realized just how damn scared I was. I thought it was an explosion and my heart stopped beating for a long moment.
Those of us who went to the coworkers house sat together trying to piece together what was being reported, what we could and could not do -- could not take the metro, could not make phone calls because all the circuits were busy, could only sit and watch and listen as the military jets scrambled over our heads. It was a time devoid of anything but a cold, clammy intensity sitting and the bottom of my stomach wishing someone could tell me what was really going on.
Eventually, I went home, where my friends slowly gathered bringing with them copious amounts of beer and alcohol. Some of us drank in front of the television slowly trying to figure out who knew what and what really was going on. Others had to get out and be active to shut out all of the emotions that were brewing in a weird and unknown way. I have no idea what all we talked about or how long we were there, but eventually, we made for the bar, a haven of normalcy in a time of the unknown.
Some went to the back to try to find a seat -- I don't remember if I was with them, but even if I wasn't I lived it through them -- and saw the Presidential helicopters fly by in their three formation -- a memory that would haunt them for a moment later as they returned to the back patio on a subsequent visit. Through the whole day, the question remained -- what if --.
As more unfolded, over the days and weeks following, I started feeling very lucky about where I was and that a few people were willing to take on terrorists to prevent anymore people from dieing. I truly doubt that I would have been in a building that would have been hit if all had gone by the terrorists plan, but it might have happened. That it didn't was a blessing from some people somewhere who never met me or anyone I worked with.
On a broader scale, I saw something that could have been great -- a bringing together of a nation -- that eventually turned to something uglier then I have seen before -- a devisive political environment where no policy can truly be good because there is no compromise or debate or thought -- and I am truly disheartened. We started a war in Afghanistan that is barely even mentioned in the news. The "bad guys," those that have become figureheads for a movement that masterminds, trains, and encourages attacks like those we have gone through are still out there, no longer pursued with all due diligence because we are focused on another part of the world that had nothing to do with what happened.
Instead, we are fighting so many different battles -- not just those that are being fought by the soliders -- around the world. We are trying to do so much with the rationalization that has something to do with those four planes and those thousands of peoples lives lost, and no of it will actually stop the river, instead, they're causing the damn to leak more and more. And more and more bloodshed, hatred, and ideology get born without a moment's thought to why.
Why do those people seek us out to hate and destroy? Why do we continue to allow them to win the hearts of potential allies by pandering to war instead of development? How is it that our foreign policy remains so much in the hands of those that would burn bridges to keep the enemy outside that it fails to realized that their are others on the other side of the bridge that may some day might wish to cross it? Not to mention we are simply finding only outside problems and solutions, when there are those inside who create just as much damage.
And then we have the exploitation of the grief, anger, pain, and horror as another anniversary roles through. We look back and try to determine what has and hasn't changed. Find that it is the appropriate time to trot out those that have lost persons most dear and listen without hearing their stories. Where are the people still working to fix what is still wrong for those people? Why is the sound byte and dramatic flag shot on a single day more imporatant than the needs of those still reeling from a world turned upside down? What do we do everyday to make those that lost whole -- at least as much as can be done? Why is it that the children who do not know thier fathers are more important a story then those children of the military men in Afghanistan who will not know their fathers?
The President called 9/11 the greatest threat our nation has faced, but a Professor just put that into perspective by pointing out that just over a hundred years ago, we fought a civil war that redefined people's rights and self that cost more American lives, money, and time then 9/11. And we're still dealing with the fall out from that.
I know that for myself, I have never really examined all the emotions that I experience in watching thousands of people die or thinking that it could just have easily been me as anyone of them. I know that I cannot yet confront the memories when the TV tells me to. I know that I still need something to help me get to that place. I don't know what that something is, but I am certain that CBS, ABC, or NBC cannot provide it, nor can an abandonment of reason to bloodlust, nor can acquiescence to a leader who chooses to expand the problem instead of finding a solution to the one at hand. Poltics, arguing, and pandering do not help or move us anywhere.
I don't know what does, but I hope that someday we can find out what can, together.
To begin with, I watched, live, as both planes hit the WTC towers when I came into my everyday life of work. I was waiting for a coworker to arrive so we could get coffee. I honestly cannot remember if we ever got it. However, it was not going to be an everyday day, and for a long time afterwards it wasn't going to be normal.
After watching the towers get hit, and thinking how badly the air traffic controllers had f-ed up, I did not turn off theTV and instead watched as a reporter was giving an update from the Pentagon when there were muted explosions, not just on TV but in the real world as well. Soon, it was obvious that the Pentagon had been hit as well. Various reports claimed five to ten flights that were still flying but their locations were unknown. Speculation ran rampent as to what other targets were left to be attacked and how much chaos was going on in the city of DC.
Working on Capitol Hill I was both very close to an expected target, yet not really that near danger. I did not work in the Capitol Building, nor did I, at that time, go over there often. But, I still felt like I was a target, because I worked for the government. The response of my office left a lot to be desired, but that's a different rant that I have since dealt, and no one really knew if we should even leave the building. After sitting on pins and needles glued to the television reports of chaos, riots, and attacks in the subway, one alert staffer noticed that a line on the front desk phone that never rang before was ringing. It was settled by the Capitol Police, we were to get the f- out the building. What in my mind was hours of watching the news and trying in multiple calls to calm my mother down, who had awoken to the news that I might be under a terrorist attack, we were told that we were still at risk and we should leave. It was less then an hour, in reality.
As we evacuated, in a calm and orderly fashion, as we were one of the few offices that had not left yet, it was eeriely quiet on the street. However, there were still signs of an unaltered life out there. As were were walking to a coworker's apartment, a FedEx truck was making deliveries. The driver allowed the rolling rear door to slam shut with a bang, and that's when I realized just how damn scared I was. I thought it was an explosion and my heart stopped beating for a long moment.
Those of us who went to the coworkers house sat together trying to piece together what was being reported, what we could and could not do -- could not take the metro, could not make phone calls because all the circuits were busy, could only sit and watch and listen as the military jets scrambled over our heads. It was a time devoid of anything but a cold, clammy intensity sitting and the bottom of my stomach wishing someone could tell me what was really going on.
Eventually, I went home, where my friends slowly gathered bringing with them copious amounts of beer and alcohol. Some of us drank in front of the television slowly trying to figure out who knew what and what really was going on. Others had to get out and be active to shut out all of the emotions that were brewing in a weird and unknown way. I have no idea what all we talked about or how long we were there, but eventually, we made for the bar, a haven of normalcy in a time of the unknown.
Some went to the back to try to find a seat -- I don't remember if I was with them, but even if I wasn't I lived it through them -- and saw the Presidential helicopters fly by in their three formation -- a memory that would haunt them for a moment later as they returned to the back patio on a subsequent visit. Through the whole day, the question remained -- what if --.
As more unfolded, over the days and weeks following, I started feeling very lucky about where I was and that a few people were willing to take on terrorists to prevent anymore people from dieing. I truly doubt that I would have been in a building that would have been hit if all had gone by the terrorists plan, but it might have happened. That it didn't was a blessing from some people somewhere who never met me or anyone I worked with.
On a broader scale, I saw something that could have been great -- a bringing together of a nation -- that eventually turned to something uglier then I have seen before -- a devisive political environment where no policy can truly be good because there is no compromise or debate or thought -- and I am truly disheartened. We started a war in Afghanistan that is barely even mentioned in the news. The "bad guys," those that have become figureheads for a movement that masterminds, trains, and encourages attacks like those we have gone through are still out there, no longer pursued with all due diligence because we are focused on another part of the world that had nothing to do with what happened.
Instead, we are fighting so many different battles -- not just those that are being fought by the soliders -- around the world. We are trying to do so much with the rationalization that has something to do with those four planes and those thousands of peoples lives lost, and no of it will actually stop the river, instead, they're causing the damn to leak more and more. And more and more bloodshed, hatred, and ideology get born without a moment's thought to why.
Why do those people seek us out to hate and destroy? Why do we continue to allow them to win the hearts of potential allies by pandering to war instead of development? How is it that our foreign policy remains so much in the hands of those that would burn bridges to keep the enemy outside that it fails to realized that their are others on the other side of the bridge that may some day might wish to cross it? Not to mention we are simply finding only outside problems and solutions, when there are those inside who create just as much damage.
And then we have the exploitation of the grief, anger, pain, and horror as another anniversary roles through. We look back and try to determine what has and hasn't changed. Find that it is the appropriate time to trot out those that have lost persons most dear and listen without hearing their stories. Where are the people still working to fix what is still wrong for those people? Why is the sound byte and dramatic flag shot on a single day more imporatant than the needs of those still reeling from a world turned upside down? What do we do everyday to make those that lost whole -- at least as much as can be done? Why is it that the children who do not know thier fathers are more important a story then those children of the military men in Afghanistan who will not know their fathers?
The President called 9/11 the greatest threat our nation has faced, but a Professor just put that into perspective by pointing out that just over a hundred years ago, we fought a civil war that redefined people's rights and self that cost more American lives, money, and time then 9/11. And we're still dealing with the fall out from that.
I know that for myself, I have never really examined all the emotions that I experience in watching thousands of people die or thinking that it could just have easily been me as anyone of them. I know that I cannot yet confront the memories when the TV tells me to. I know that I still need something to help me get to that place. I don't know what that something is, but I am certain that CBS, ABC, or NBC cannot provide it, nor can an abandonment of reason to bloodlust, nor can acquiescence to a leader who chooses to expand the problem instead of finding a solution to the one at hand. Poltics, arguing, and pandering do not help or move us anywhere.
I don't know what does, but I hope that someday we can find out what can, together.
Friday, August 25, 2006
many happy returns
Well, I should start with an apology to all of you who have checked for a sign of life in the last month and a half, but well....my excuses are trite and pointless and you probably wouldn't believe my apology to be sincere anyway. Or, you've stopped checking and will never read this again.
So, to recap my summer:
Family wedding
See above post -- actually it's the post below not above
Friend's wedding
awesome time had by me, I think, I don't remember the end except I invited the whole wedding reception to my parent's house to continue the party -- with their approval of course-- where I subsequently gave away my favorite flipflops to a girl I've met twice who does not remember me from the first time we met because she didn't like me because she thought I was trying to steal her boyfriend (who is now her husband and father of her baby)...enough said.
Summer externship with Judge
I am no longer going their, but I still have work to do. I learned lots, but most important to me was that I am not an idiot and can probably be a good lawyer
Searching for an apartment
So much to say, so little to show for it. Eventually we found a place. It's in the same complex I live in right now and we're not moving till September. There is much frustration rooted in this activity that I would rather not subject you all to, but it's focused on two things: 1) someone else's level of participation in the process and 2) my inability to express my frustration re #1 and internal battling over it. Now we move to living together.
Oh, and we are, obviously, nowhere nearer the beach.
School
I took a summer seminar. I went to class, read some stuff, spent most of class thinking "daaah, I can read..." (me drooling), and wrote a paper that I could have done better with. Got my grade yesterday, could be worse, could be better. Settled on that.
So, then what's new, you may ask. I am back at school. I am working two jobs (at the library training all the little first year workers and as a TA to the lawyering skills department -- I gots you skillz right here byatch). I am starting the unsettling process of summer associate recruiting, i.e., I am looking for my summer job at a law firm as of yesterday (wait, summer isn't for 9 months, you say, to which I respond: getting a summer job for lawyers is like having a baby you start out having some fun, then have to do a bunch of things right so you don't screw it up before you get it, and then you hope you end up with something that doesn't screw you or itself up to badly. Or something like that.) I am a "provisional member" of a law journal -- go me -- oh wait, that's a lot more work.
What isn't new: I still don't get enough sleep.
For more details please check back in a month. Hopefully I'll have posted multiple times since then.
Welcome to the circulation desk, you're about to listen to me for three hours of which you will remember barely anything at all. Learn it, love it, live it...
So, to recap my summer:
Family wedding
See above post -- actually it's the post below not above
Friend's wedding
awesome time had by me, I think, I don't remember the end except I invited the whole wedding reception to my parent's house to continue the party -- with their approval of course-- where I subsequently gave away my favorite flipflops to a girl I've met twice who does not remember me from the first time we met because she didn't like me because she thought I was trying to steal her boyfriend (who is now her husband and father of her baby)...enough said.
Summer externship with Judge
I am no longer going their, but I still have work to do. I learned lots, but most important to me was that I am not an idiot and can probably be a good lawyer
Searching for an apartment
So much to say, so little to show for it. Eventually we found a place. It's in the same complex I live in right now and we're not moving till September. There is much frustration rooted in this activity that I would rather not subject you all to, but it's focused on two things: 1) someone else's level of participation in the process and 2) my inability to express my frustration re #1 and internal battling over it. Now we move to living together.
Oh, and we are, obviously, nowhere nearer the beach.
School
I took a summer seminar. I went to class, read some stuff, spent most of class thinking "daaah, I can read..." (me drooling), and wrote a paper that I could have done better with. Got my grade yesterday, could be worse, could be better. Settled on that.
So, then what's new, you may ask. I am back at school. I am working two jobs (at the library training all the little first year workers and as a TA to the lawyering skills department -- I gots you skillz right here byatch). I am starting the unsettling process of summer associate recruiting, i.e., I am looking for my summer job at a law firm as of yesterday (wait, summer isn't for 9 months, you say, to which I respond: getting a summer job for lawyers is like having a baby you start out having some fun, then have to do a bunch of things right so you don't screw it up before you get it, and then you hope you end up with something that doesn't screw you or itself up to badly. Or something like that.) I am a "provisional member" of a law journal -- go me -- oh wait, that's a lot more work.
What isn't new: I still don't get enough sleep.
For more details please check back in a month. Hopefully I'll have posted multiple times since then.
Welcome to the circulation desk, you're about to listen to me for three hours of which you will remember barely anything at all. Learn it, love it, live it...
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Oh my god, where have I been?
Well, nowhere really, oh wait, somewhere, but not sure why I couldn't update before now.
So, it is now almost the second week in July and I haven't updated in oh, about three weeks. You three people left checking this spot are dedicated and I thank you and apologize for my retarditude. (hee, hee, making up words is fun.)
Okay, so the boy has moved down to here, but we have not gotten a place yet. We did submit an application at one place on Friday, so here's hoping everything works out. It's a cute two bedroom place with GIANT closets. I love closets!!!! You can put stuff in them and forget all about it :)
Living in a one bedroom place temporarily makes me realize why a two bedroom is necessary: we don't want to do the same stuff all the time and I don't do homework in the bedroom or I will sleep. That's not to say I won't sleep in the living room while doing homework, but I will wake up sooner. Stupid comfy couch.
However, if we do get this place, I think we'll need more furniture. Which is expensive, even at IKEA. Which is where I went this weekend. I like IKEA, but I feel like I shouldn't be shopping there any more. IKEA has always seemed like the college-transition-into-adulthood furniture store. I think that I have reached adulthood, of some sort, even though I'm in school still. I want to start thinking about buying more substantial "grown-up" furniture made with real word not "engineered" wood (read: pressboard). It is like when I switched from a futon to a "real" bed (and then again from a full to queen sized bed). It's an indication of settling down and being an established person. Perhaps I'm looking for establishment when I don't feel established as though my furniture purchases will anchor me somehow. Who thought furniture desires could be so revealing...
I also am tired of blonde woods. I wish for deep color dark wood. That I can't explain.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to the beautiful town of Erie, PA. Let's just say that I don't think I'm moving there ever. I went for my cousin's wedding and helping my mom take care of my grandparents/keep her sanity. My sister and her husband were there too. My sister does a much better job of helping with the physical side of my grandparents needs. Obviously, doing it for a living helps a lot, but having confidence in how you should help plays a long way into it. My strength is that I have learned to listen to my grandfather in a way that he thinks that I am truly hanging on every word he says. I do listen to him, even when I've heard the story a million times because it is the stuff that means the most to him.
My mom told me that my grandfather has since proclaimed me as his favorite because I actually listen to him. I think that is both terribly unfair to my cousins who see him much more regularly and very sad for my grandpa. Now, I am the first to admit that I don't find my grandpa the most exciting individual ever, but he has seen and done some things that have immense importance to him. The entire history of the Methodist church and his family bloodlines may not be my cup of tea, but it is his passion. I know that the ridiculous things that I find worthwhile to be passionate about aren't everyone else's favorite topic, but I hope that when I'm 80 + years old some one will let me tell them everything I know about them, where or not they truly care. That is what I told my mom. I know it is extrodinarily hard for her and her sister to put up with taking care of their parents and dealing with the same stories that they've both heard a billion times, but he just wants someone to listen to him. I am fairly certain that is all he ever wanted.
Spending time with my grandparents make me really afraid of getting really old. When faced with the frustration, pain, anger, and depression that comes with the new restrictions on my grandparents, it scared me about what getting old is about. I don't think I need to fear it yet, but it was definitely frightening.
The other milestone of the trip was only having one argument with my sister. That is a milestone for us because we tend to grate each other's nerves in the most effective and raw sort of way. Yeah growing up.
Then there was Fourth of July. But I must do some school work, so hopefully I'll update soon and talk about that. Don't hold your breath :)
Commercials about Judge "Insert first name(s)" TV shows make me proud to not recognize anyone on them.
So, it is now almost the second week in July and I haven't updated in oh, about three weeks. You three people left checking this spot are dedicated and I thank you and apologize for my retarditude. (hee, hee, making up words is fun.)
Okay, so the boy has moved down to here, but we have not gotten a place yet. We did submit an application at one place on Friday, so here's hoping everything works out. It's a cute two bedroom place with GIANT closets. I love closets!!!! You can put stuff in them and forget all about it :)
Living in a one bedroom place temporarily makes me realize why a two bedroom is necessary: we don't want to do the same stuff all the time and I don't do homework in the bedroom or I will sleep. That's not to say I won't sleep in the living room while doing homework, but I will wake up sooner. Stupid comfy couch.
However, if we do get this place, I think we'll need more furniture. Which is expensive, even at IKEA. Which is where I went this weekend. I like IKEA, but I feel like I shouldn't be shopping there any more. IKEA has always seemed like the college-transition-into-adulthood furniture store. I think that I have reached adulthood, of some sort, even though I'm in school still. I want to start thinking about buying more substantial "grown-up" furniture made with real word not "engineered" wood (read: pressboard). It is like when I switched from a futon to a "real" bed (and then again from a full to queen sized bed). It's an indication of settling down and being an established person. Perhaps I'm looking for establishment when I don't feel established as though my furniture purchases will anchor me somehow. Who thought furniture desires could be so revealing...
I also am tired of blonde woods. I wish for deep color dark wood. That I can't explain.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to the beautiful town of Erie, PA. Let's just say that I don't think I'm moving there ever. I went for my cousin's wedding and helping my mom take care of my grandparents/keep her sanity. My sister and her husband were there too. My sister does a much better job of helping with the physical side of my grandparents needs. Obviously, doing it for a living helps a lot, but having confidence in how you should help plays a long way into it. My strength is that I have learned to listen to my grandfather in a way that he thinks that I am truly hanging on every word he says. I do listen to him, even when I've heard the story a million times because it is the stuff that means the most to him.
My mom told me that my grandfather has since proclaimed me as his favorite because I actually listen to him. I think that is both terribly unfair to my cousins who see him much more regularly and very sad for my grandpa. Now, I am the first to admit that I don't find my grandpa the most exciting individual ever, but he has seen and done some things that have immense importance to him. The entire history of the Methodist church and his family bloodlines may not be my cup of tea, but it is his passion. I know that the ridiculous things that I find worthwhile to be passionate about aren't everyone else's favorite topic, but I hope that when I'm 80 + years old some one will let me tell them everything I know about them, where or not they truly care. That is what I told my mom. I know it is extrodinarily hard for her and her sister to put up with taking care of their parents and dealing with the same stories that they've both heard a billion times, but he just wants someone to listen to him. I am fairly certain that is all he ever wanted.
Spending time with my grandparents make me really afraid of getting really old. When faced with the frustration, pain, anger, and depression that comes with the new restrictions on my grandparents, it scared me about what getting old is about. I don't think I need to fear it yet, but it was definitely frightening.
The other milestone of the trip was only having one argument with my sister. That is a milestone for us because we tend to grate each other's nerves in the most effective and raw sort of way. Yeah growing up.
Then there was Fourth of July. But I must do some school work, so hopefully I'll update soon and talk about that. Don't hold your breath :)
Commercials about Judge "Insert first name(s)" TV shows make me proud to not recognize anyone on them.
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